Saturday, June 30, 2007

i'm in ur hiphop, overanalyzin' ur lyricz

Life is pretty sucktacular right now, but I persevere. Fuck you, life.
You readers better appreciate the shit out of this.


Tonight's Overanalysis:
"I Know You See It" By Yung Joc

Inny meeny minny mo
How many bitches from the club wanna go
(i know you see it, I know you see it)
Im like inny meeny minny mo
How many niggas from the club wanna go
(i know you see it, I know you see it)

I know it reads like that was an invitation by Joc for both sexes to "go," but the second part is actually a woman singing. So basically this song is going to be about promiscuity, which as far as i'm aware is a first for a rap song.

Now you can call me tipdrill, they playing my song
Throw a couple ones, then she throw away her thong

Hey Tipdrill, if the female in question requires only a couple dollars thrown at her in order to get her naked, perhaps you should consider raising your standards. I mean, we've all had those nights after a long slump and a few too many drinks, but seriously bro, have some love for yo'self.

When she bust it open, take a picture with my phone
She love my cologne, I call it perk body zone

Beware the Axe effect. Also Joc, could you forward that picture to my phone? I'm kind of unclear on what you meant by "she busts it open."

Now she pussy poppin', it's goin' down
Slap the waitress on the booty, tell her "get another round"

Some might call this offensive and disrespectful to the waitress, but I think Joc just demands quality service. Y'know if she ain't smilin' it's gon' be 'goin' down' on the customer feedback cards in the lobby y'all.

And when I make it rain, money all over the ground
Fresh force ones, sean john button down

Throwing around money while wearing new shoes and a nice shirt? Some people would call that "Asking for it."

And then im like "oh boy, a clique fulla stars"
Big four fifth, big dick, and big cars

Oh, I see, they drive big cars because they have BIG dicks. I always got that part confused.

At the end of the day, when its all said and done
I need four freaks 'cause I need more than one

Oh shit. he brought out the Mims logic. IF I need more than one freak THEN I need four freaks. Solid.

Inny meeny minny mo
How many bitches from the club wont go
(i know you see it, I know you see it)
Im like bim bam, I know you want some
She chewing on the dick like a piece of bubblegum
(i know you see it, I know you see it)

I don't know if it's actually possible for a penis to cringe, but I think mine just made a serious attempt to. Bubblegum? really? in a rap song? if that happened to me I think I'd need years of therapy before I could talk about it.

Im like inny meeny minny mo
How many niggas from the club wont go
(i know you aww it, I know you see it)
Im like bim bam, I know you want some
You chewing on the pussy like a piece of bubble gum
(i know you see it, I know you see it)

I've tried that cunnilingular method. Results were mixed, but generally unfavorable.

I aint never been the type to show off in the club
Real laid back poppin' plenty bottles of
Bub, dont smoke but I got much perk

Some might say that bringing a large amount of weed and champagne could be considered "showing off." But e'rybody know Joc's all about dat "Sharing is Caring" ish.

Get that nigga real high, make him slurp it then burp
Could you be a groupie? I hear you singin' my song
Like I see you, lemme feel your tongue
Its T, miss B nigga, let me get you laced
Take a step back, blow the pussy in ya face

Squirting? eww.

I aint talking cush nigga, im talking a rat race
So many to choose from, give 'em all a little taste
Gotta house fulla pussy, the madam of hip hop
My bitches are superstars, so gushy you needa mop

Ah, a Hip Hop Bordello. Apparently populated mainly by women with colds.

Inny meeny minny mo
How many bitches from the club wont go
(i know you see it, I know you see it)
Im like bim bam, I know you want some
She chewing on the dick like a piece of bubblegum
(i know you see it, I know you see it)

Eeeeeeeeeeeshhhh.

Im like inny meeny minny mo
How many niggas from the club wont go
(i know you aww it, I know you see it)
Im like bim bam, I know you want some
You chewing on the pussy like a piece of bubble gum
( I know you see it, I know you see it)

Listen, Francine, I just wanted to apologize for that. I mean, with all the excitement of homecoming, and with district choir regionals coming up, I just got carried away.

I got stacks on deck, snowflakes on my neck
New J's on my feet, make my outfit complete

THAT is decadence right there. Snowflakes? Those things melt in like a second. He's gotta buying thousands of snowflake necklaces a night. Serious ballin'.

(i know you see it, I know you see it)
I got stacks on deck, niggas love my flow
Got a mohawk blowin', air forces that glow

A Mohawk AND glow-in-the-dark shoes? Joc must be the envy of 9-year-olds everywhere.

(i know you see it, I know you see it)

I know I haven't talked about this line, and that's because i'm fairly certain it means he's exposing himself to people.

Inny meeny minny mo
How many bitches from the club wont go
(i know you see it, I know you see it)
Im like bim bam, I know you want some
She chewing on the dick like a piece of bubblegum
(i know you see it, I know you see it)

Im like inny meeny minny mo
How many niggas from the club wont go
(i know you see it, I know you see it)

I'll never look at bubblegum the same way.

Also, I think I should note that "Yung Joc" is a terrible rap name. It sounds like an asian dish. And having your name be a comparable likeness to "Student Athlete" is just about the opposite of pimp.

CATURDAY <3's Lolbands

I missed putting these together, and was very inspired by the ICHC mothership:

All I can say is dat my life is pretty plain.
(From ICANHASCHEEZBURGER)

These ones are all me though:

Friday, June 29, 2007

Cosas Malas Sobre Personas Agradables

It's a mah-fuckin' friday. Y'all know what that means. Hit it:

1. The Used: Chubbychaser frontman Bert McCracken has a developed a node on his vocal cords and will likely have to undergo major surgery, which will then probably alter his voice forever. THAT, my friends, is the power of prayer.

2. Weezer: By keeping their hype alive with constant break-up rumors, the shittiest band to ever write a hit song has finally decided to possibly write another hit song. The album is still untitled but rest assured that right now there's a meeting at Pitchfork Media HQ with the sole purpose of finding the most entertaining ways of saying "Huge Fucking Disappointment."

3. My Chemical Romance: This is going to be a pattern I fear. After Marilyn Manson said that some of his lyrics were cutting remarks to the band, frontcunt Gerard Way responded that it was a hollow statement because Manson was trying to promote his new record. I also feel that MCR is a big black bag of dog-vomit, but i've got a blog to promote so those comments don't count either. Also, does that mean that Manson wrote that song on the album and those lyrics on the album to promote the album? That is so meta. In other news, Gerard Way announced he would be getting married and that the band has a new album coming out.

4. Spice Girls: They're reuniting. My ears are sad but my penis is pretty stoked on it. You can't keep girl power (or Victoria B's tits for that matter) down.














5. 50 Cent: He got busted for lip-syncing. This would normally be something to try and forget about, but given 50's track record I assume we'll have to hear about it in his next record:

"I got shot 9 times for dealin' some crack out
busted for syncin', they dropped mah vocal track out
Punks think they hard, they know 50's harder
While they out sellin' pot, I shill for Vitamin Water"

Thursday, June 28, 2007

My Untitled Rap Project

So as i've mentioned to a few people, I'm working on a rap project with my musical soul brother Wayne Baker. It's been a real joy so far, simply because of the rather perverse joy we've had in making it so, well, perverse. The basic idea is that the lyrics will be singularly over-the-top, semi-nonsensical and psychotic. Blend that with the usual gangsta paradigms and you'll see how bizarre the lyrics I've been writing can get. Wayne's mission, as the man behind the mixer, is to create something that is as clubbed-out and lowest-common-denominator-y as possible. Wayne could pretty much do this in his sleep I imagine. I'm sure he's got more insight as to where his head's at with his end, so I won't put words in his mouth (just my balls).

-PARENTAL ADVISORY: EXPLICIT LYRICS-
Without further ado, here's a sampling of the lyrics I've written so far:

"I don’t fear motherfuckers or the FBI
Got a demon in the attic trying to take my life."

"Undead warriors all tryin’ to test us
Somebody tell these zombies who Jonny Quest is!"

"Built a time machine, cuz I make the cash
Went back to my birth and erased my past"

"Pirate my track, kid, I’ll fuckin’ sue ya
Rip your lungs out and sell ‘em back to ya"

"You know what happens when I’m high and packin’
Cappin’ holes in the ceiling when I’m high on acid,"

"I’m a motherfuckin’ killa when the full moon’s ripe
It’s the beast inside of me that’s crushin’ your windpipe
And knockin’ your face off with a steel drainpipe
Better pack silver hollows if ya wanna take my life"

"Here’s a little rhyme that I’m sendin’ your way
I got twenty hoes in the CIA
Hot Twenty-fo’s on my Santa Fe
Swervin’ down the strip drunk off the Jose"

So... I (or at least my rap persona) am being stalked by a demon and zombies, I'm a tequila-drinking, Hyundai-driving, time-traveling werewolf whose pimp game has infiltrated the highest levels of government, and I enjoy doing drugs while brandishing a loaded firearm. Doesn't get much more gangsta than that.

I don't even want to mention some of the stuff I left out. Hint: there's a Poe reference, and it involves hand grenades.

You Should Listen To... Vol. 1

I smell a new feeeaaaaturrrre...

Okay, this idea involves me --as an expert on all things musically great and wonderful-- telling you --similarly a non-expert-- to listen to a song. Today that song is "Cuckoo!" by Neon Horse.

At first, I was hesitant to like this band. First of all, they're a "supergroup" composed of a cast made up of 30 other bands. Secondly, they have not revealed their identities, choosing instead to be credited as "Norman Horse and The Neon Horse Band." Thirdly, they're on Tooth&Nail records, a christian record label. These 3 things are nearly always red flags that signal extreme sucktitude, but their album art was interesting so I gave their single a whirl on youtube.

I fucking loved it. The bass was overwhelming and sinister (like I like it), the guitar was smug yet catchy (like I like it), and the vocals were like a split-personality channeling of different old-tyme movie villains (I think I fell in love with it). So looking back, I decided to rethink my original judgments. Obviously there are good, non-gimmicky supergroups (Sound Of Animals Fighting, A Perfect Circle). There are also great bands which choose to cloak their identities (Banana Splits).

But of course, the idea of this even being remotely connected to christian music is a tough pill to swallow for the musical elitist hard-liners out there. And the reason of course, is that christian music has sucked for the past two decades. In fact, there was a concerted effort by those in charge of christian music (labels, press, churches) to make it suck. Somebody got it in their head that Jesus would prefer if his flock listened only to a separate sect of music, with both christian listeners and christian artists turning their backs on the rest of the musical world. As a result, the market got more difficult to succeed in, So the labels went all capitalista and dropped support for anything that was edgy, unproven, or possibly unprofitable. The musical gene pool dried up, and the music got sucky. Labels like Tooth&Nail began to support the idea that you didn't have to toe the artistic line to write songs about Jesus, and a whole lot of strange and interesting stuff occurred. Sure, a lot of it still sucked, but at least it was out there. (by the way, I find it very interesting that there are entirely-instrumental christian acts, are there some chords that just aren't holy?)

I grew up with a lot of christian music and it actually indirectly inspired me to really get into music. Since I wanted to listen to non-christian music, I just tore through every christian band so that I could tell my parents when I wanted to hear new secular stuff that I'd already heard all of the christian stuff. To this day, I still have plenty of christian bands that I enjoy (most of them, however, have broken up by this point).

Anyways, the point is, listen to the Neon Horse song and tell me if you like it. It's definitely odd, and a bit frightening at times, but it's very catchy and there's no overtly aggro-christian lyrics as far as I can tell. And there's oversized scissors, which I think we can all get behind.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Fuck You, Dustin Glick of Cracked.com

I was almost made a fan of Cracked.com last night. They had funny music lists and observations, very reminiscent of myself. And we all know how much I love myself (especially the people at Jergen's). The only list I took offense to was their "5 Most Unintentionally funny albums of 2006."

First off, the list it from 1-5. So I can't tell whether the last one I read was the funniest, being #5, or if #1 is funniest. You can't just blow your Uno wad on the first page, you gotta tease that out.

Now, #4 was the Belle & Sebastian album. Making fun of Belle & Sebastian seems wrong on the same level that pestering rabbits is. And they made fun of them for being pussies. That's like kicking a rabbit because you take offense to its football-like qualities.

#3 was Jibbs Feat. Jibbs by Jibbs. It has a very Requiem for a Dream quality doesn't it? Anyways, i'm saving my venom here since "Chain Hang Low" seems like perfect Overanalysis fodder.

#2 was Mars Volta, a band I would have defended with violence and passion 4 years ago but now cannot muster much to defend their recent release, Amputechture. Taking cues from the Volta, the writer chose not to find new or interesting ways to assault the material, choosing instead to overexaggerate the length of their "epics of squealing bullshit," and once again trot out the idea that the Volta fan base is 15-years-old and on drugs. Yikes.

#1 was the My Chemical Romance concept clusterfuck The Black Parade, which overwhelmingly whupped Green Day for the title of Most Phoned-in "Concept" Ever. "Okay guys, we've got like a parade, but it's like a death march. Cause this guy dies... of cancer. Yeah, cancer. OOH! OOH! And WE'LL be the Parade Band!!"

I'd say these were all generally agreeable picks. However, #5, Dragonforce's Inhuman Rampage, pissed me off. I don't have a whole lot of love for Metal bands. In fact, I wish Great White-esque pyrotechnic accidents on most of them. But Dragonforce is different, simply because of their complete dedication to the Metal paradigm. The vocals are about fire, pain, dragons, and battle. The guitars are ludicrously fast and feature dueling guitar solos. The drums are even faster, with the added bonus of choked cymbals serving as punctuation throughout most of the song. And, in true VH style, there's a keyboard. And get this: it's fast. This is like Journey on the perfect cocktail of speedballs and Troll-testosterone. You can either enjoy it or not enjoy it, but it's pretty much unassailable beyond "Hahaha. They play really, really metal music."

P.S. Watch this video and just imagine how much conditioner these guys go through. That hair has some serious body.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Make Up the Breakdown (of blog posting)

So i'm about a day behind, but i've been a busy little bee. This morning I woke up at the crack of 10 and interviewed the newest member of my favorite live band, Gogol Bordello. His name is Thomas and he's originally from Ethiopia and he's an amazing punk/dub/reggae/everything bassist. We had a great chat about how the punk and reggae movements intertwined.

Also, apparently some guys on the campus raved to some of the Union staff about how funny my "10 things I hate about music" article was. I would link it here, but Sean Boulger is fucking lazy and doesn't get shit done without constant badgering. I hope he reads this.

By the way... leave more comments, people. I require an everlasting fount of praise and scorn. Just ask my ex's.

3 Bands that should start existing:

Dragonfizzle:
It's like Dragonforce, but it's gangsta. Not that the twirling double-helix guitar solos don't sound entirely appropriate over Valhalla-related lyrics, but what if they pulled that robo-shred explosion over Impala-related lyrics?

Zombie Rock: Music for the undead! Imagine it: a whole crowd of mindless, flesh-hungry monsters trying to dance along but finding themselves completely lacking the coordination for it! Oh right, that band's called the Kottonmouth Kings. Snap!

Phil Spector's Prisonettes: I think Phil could still put his pop group skills to work in the slammer. And... he could still sleep with (and slap around) the talent! Huzzah! Seriously though, lock Spector up. Even just as punishment for pulling a gun on the Ramones. Even just as punishment for "You've lost that loving feeling."

It's tired in here.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Overanalysis of a Rap Song Vol. 2

Personal Shout-Out To Myself: I got some friggin' sweet recognition for a couple articles I wrote for Grou-Con (that's what i'm calling it). Chow down on some of these hot links:

Strange Famous Records (they link to the article)

Sean Na Na (It's in like the first paragraph)

So that's pretty great. I'm very stoked.

Also, i was housesitting this weekend and so I wasn't able to update at all from friday through today, and the internet at my house went down shortly thereafter. Undeterred, my message shall go through. Soon as I get a glass of water...

THE MEAT OF IT

So I was thinking about how to follow up the Mims song I did last week (only to discover afterwards that EVERYONE has taken a shot making fun of it), and I decided I needed something equally illogical... on the surface... Originally I thought it would be that Shop Boyz song, but something about that part where they go "T-T-T-Totally Duuude!" smelled like a trap to me. A reeeally shitty trap. I imagine they're just sitting around waiting for me to assault them with some flick-o'-the-wrist elite-intellectual rapier-wit only to get a comment shortly after in which one of the Shop Boyz coolly explains that it was all a big joke, they're all MFA degree-holders and they left subtle clues which pointed to a large, underlying tongue which had been slipped oh-so-silently into cheek. Well Shop Boyz, not today you won't. Tonight it's all about "Lip Gloss" by Lil Mama.

First, a forewarning: If you decide to pick a rap name that is dreadfully similar to "Young Mother," you'd better expect this shit.

Now Then...

What you kno bout me, what cha, what cha know bout me (2x)

She's got me on this one. I know very little bout her.

I said my lip gloss is cool, my lip gloss be poppin
I’m standing at my locker, and all the boys keep stoppin

So begins the long and rambling sexual metaphor. What exactly is it that her lip gloss pops? why would this make boys stop what they're doing? I mean she's just standing there...

what you kno bout me, what cha, what cha know bout me (2x)

Lil Mama is a master of preserving suspense. I still know nothing!

I said my lip gloss is poppin, my lip gloss is cool
all da boys keep jockin, they chase me after school

Perhaps this lip gloss is a bit much. It's one thing to have the boys "poppin" and "stoppin," but "jockin" and "chasing you after school" seems like something most young girls may not want to aspire to.

mac,mac loreal, yep cuz I’m worth it
o the way I put it on so perfect

The trick is in the application, basically. Mama's lip gloss wouldn't be nearly as poppin' if not for the artist's delicate touch and eye for aesthetics. Sounds reasonable to me, as i've never really studied the cosmetic arts.

wipe, the corners of my mouth so I work it
when I walk down the hallway, they can’t say nothin

More sexual metaphor! she wipes her mouth off and walks down the hallway, and apparently whatever (or whomever) she wiped off has given her an air of invulnerability at her school. Impressionable young girls take note.

o o o my lips so luscious
the way I spice it up with the mac mac brushes
loreal got them want watermelon crushes
thats probably the reason all these boys got crushes

Some people might think it's cheating to rhyme "crushes" with "crushes." I'd say it's just a little short-sighted. Just as short-sighted, in fact, as assuming the boys are all into your lip gloss. Unless she means her "(wink) Lip Gloss (wink)" in which case i'd say that's exactly what the boys are after.

what you know bout me, what cha, what cha know bout me (2x)

All of a sudden this went from a threatening "Step Off" vibe to something remarkably after-school-special in nature.

I said my lip gloss is cool, my lip gloss be poppin
im standin at my locker, and all the boys keep stoppin
I said my lip gloss is poppin, my lip gloss is cool
all da boys keep jockin, they chase me after school

Eeeeeeesh.

when it’s time for lunch, my lips still rock
lil mama melon with the hot pink top

Her lips are STILL WORKING through lunch. Gotta appreciate that kind of work ethic. She's wearing a hot pink top, too? why that's perfect prost- err- pop star attire.

cherry, vanilla, flavors is a virtue
they lovin lip gloss universal

I'm stumped. Lil Mama has stumped me. I cannot, for the life of me, discover the intrinsic virtue of flavors. Not Cherry. Not Vanilla. Is lip gloss the key to universal love? Only if that gloss is poppin', y'all.

the boys really like it, the girls don’t speak
they, rollin they eyes, they lip gloss cheap

Oh man, how embarrassing for those girls. They have worse taste in lip gloss than the boys. Wait a minute...

it ain’t my fault, but I can upgrade you
show you how to use nice things with nice flavors

The sexual metaphor just took a hard turn into kinksville. Mmmm, somebody's gonna get their brains upgraded out. Lil Mama knows how to use those "nice things."

what you know bout me, what cha, what cha know bout me (2x)

I wish I could Un-know a few things bout you.

sittin in 8th period, thought I was in trouble
BING! Called me on the loud speaker, on the double

Listen. I think i've been fair in going along with some of the rather unreasonable aspects of this tale, but I just cannot accept that somebody used the phrase "On the double" in a form of speech that did not require them to rhyme something with "Trouble."

I stepped in the office like “yes miss. Maclarson”
shes like “girl ran out of my lip gloss and...
Write down where you get yours from
cuz I must admit that bubble gum, is poppin(3x) she ain’t frontin

I read stories about these encounters with teachers all the time.

and uh...I be lovin it, I be, I be lovin it
and uh...I be usin it, I be, I be usin it
and uh...I be rubbin it, I be, I be rubbin it
on my lips, my lips uh...my lip gloss

Nothing sexual there. Let's keep moving.

what you know bout me, what cha, what cha know bout me (2x)

I think the real question we need to pose is "What cha know bout yourself, Lil Mama? When is it time for Lil Mama to be poppin'?"

I have to admit, I was not expecting this song to take the dark route that it did. The video was so full of dancing and clapping I assumed it was going to be upbeat. Now I just want to call social services, turn on some Dr. Phil and take a bubble bath til I've completely worked my way through a pint of Ben & Jerry's.

Until Next time, Take care of yourselves, and each other. And don't wear the cheap lip gloss.

Tune In Next Week For More Unnecessary Overanalysis!

Friday, June 22, 2007

The Return Of Mean Things About Nice People!

It's friday, and that means derogative barbs. Check yo'self.

1. Green Day: They pulled the Triple Deke of music! They took the inarguably shallow genre of Pop-Punk, Then deepened it with some christ references (Deke!), then shallowed it back up with some 9th grade-level political commentary (Deke!), then deepened it with some faux-concept rock-opera crap(Deke!), then drove that shit home with an ultimately stupid record! Guys, seriously, we loved you more when you just sang about masturbation without actually send your unsavory s to the record stores.


2. Chris Cornell: I'm not sure if I should be surprised that one of the most recognizable and unique voices in Rock music is attached to one of its most unique douchebags. After being in essentially every Grunge supergroup ever formed, he's moved on to the requisitely ignorable solo career. I understand Chris. You just wanted someone to call you "super" one last time.


3. Scott Weiland: If you were forever known as the poor man's Chris Cornell, you'd do a lot of drugs too. Somehow Scott managed to wrangle a spot in Supergroup Velvet Revolver before Chris could, and I imagine Slash & the gang were just as surprised when they realized their mistake. "Fuck, man, I thought YOU were the one who sang 'Spoonman.' That song was fucking killer. Stone Temple what? No man, doesn't sound familiar. I mean, i'm sure it was great, I just can't remember anything by them..."


4. Oasis: Every time I listen to Definitely Maybe or (What's The Story) Morning Glory? It's like I've jumped in a teleporter to the 90's. And by that I mean I feel like i've been involved in a freak accident where I had my genes spliced with an anglophilic prick that had been lounging ironically in the other teleport pad.


5. The Smiths: A lot of bands make great music when their band dynamic is hateful and vindictive. Oasis' Gallagher Brothers fucking hate each other; Fleetwood Mac was a fucking soap opera during all their best albums; and you can tell that the whole time they were a duo, Daryl Hall just wanted to put a screwdriver through John Oates' hand. But it's a rare thing when a band's intense loathing of each other is topped only by their intense loathing of themselves. Or as Morrissey would say, "I've never heard of a Smith."

Use Your Preclusion II

Yeah, the mulligan continues. I went to a party tonight and when I got back I realized I had no desire to write my entry. By the way, if you don't like that title, I don't like you. So here's what you will do as a loyal reader:

You will listen to this podcast. It's movie-related but its great. And I fully endorse everyone behind the Show Show. They're great. Great great great.

You will go looking for music-related gossip or music-related opinions or music-related news and fucking link me because I cannot find any good sites to keep me up on this shit. David Thorpe, my long-standing man-crush (eww), finds his shit like a week in advance and I need that kind of resource muscle. I know you all love me truly, madly, and deeply and it's about time you gave a little something back. Fuckin' freeloaders.

You will read the following opinion piece that I wrote for Ground Control after Coachella. I was inspired to rehash this particular piece after I got into a discussion with a slightly-impaired Ryan Kobane where I essentially began repeating the article with an unpleasant feeling of Deja-Vu. Or should I say... Coacheja-Vu. Tomorrow is "Mean Things about Nice People" part 2, so all of you schadenfreude enthusiasts and general misanthropes can look forward to that. It's a summer of sequels, folks. Bring some popcorn.

Ground Control Magazine 05-13-07: In Theory: Rage Against The Machine

On October 18, 2000, Zack De La Rocha announced that he was leaving Rage Against The Machine. Less than a month later, in a storm of irony that not even Oscar Wilde could have dreamt up, our current president won his first presidential election. Rage had always flown in the face of the Clinton administration, and now an even less desirable political camp would take power easily and entirely un-raged against. As the din quieted from the Rage faithful, the opposition began to grow louder in their scoffing against RATM. And then, with little warning, rumors began to creep up that Rage would reunite for Coachella. It was hard to believe, since previous rumors had led some to believe that De La Rocha had moved to Peru and become some manner of shamanic revolutionary. And just as it was confirmed, those voices crept up again. Was this really a return-fire against a newer, deadlier machine? Or was this new incarnation simply a Rage for the Merchandise?

Let’s clear the air on two things. First: Protest and political songs have always been a part of popular music and they always will be. Second: The financial reapings of extreme-left artists have often been problematic to the artists in some way. The Refused, a Swedish hardcore outfit, was unable to reconcile their budding commercial success with their anarchist and Marxist beliefs and disbanded. And although he didn’t say so explicitly, it’s generally imagined that Zack saw this exact schism and it weighed on his decision. Of course, paying bills and getting radio airplay aren’t evil things to accomplish. I quote Rage guitarist Tom Morello, “When you live in a capitalistic society, the currency of the dissemination of information goes through capitalistic channels. Would Noam Chomsky object to his works being sold at Barnes & Noble? No, because that's where people buy their books. We're not interested in preaching to just the converted.”

What this discussion fails to address is the potency of using music to disseminate ideas. It’s very easy, especially for high-school age fans, to put on Viva La Revolucion T-shirts and slam into each other, but it doesn’t mean they’re getting the picture. Coachella is a great example. Legions of fans laid down over 250 dollars to go out to the desert and see Rage play for an hour and a half. Whenever Rage would start playing over the house speakers between acts over the weekend, the crowd would cheer wildly. It was practically Pavlovian.

It begs a hard question: is there any political relevance to music that inspires this kind of single-minded zealotry to a band (and maybe a message on the side)? That kind of unquestioning allegiance seems to be exactly what RATM tried to shake people out of. Long hair and a healthy appreciation of Che imagery are neither necessary nor sufficient to be a revolutionary, and anything so multiplied will become just as mindless an endeavor as anything else.

So, on a certain Sunday evening, Rage took the stage to a sold-out crowd of upwardly-mobile revolution-minded guys and girls in black jeans and Anti-Bush headbands. I parked myself towards the back with a nasty sunburn which precluded getting into any crowd so dense it would involve any touching. Someone next to me mentioned how much Rage was paid to perform, and the nearby crowd looked upon him scornfully. I shrugged. I’ve eaten enough day-old donut dozens to know the inevitable magnetism of the dollar.

But you know what? Rage rocked. No dictators may have dropped dead, and no bulldozers perched against rainforest flora may have refused to start, but the show went on. And it was fucking awesome. So if there can be any real lesson here, it’s that we should all think and speak and rock for ourselves: It’s a fine line between activism and propaganda.

If anyone talks to Kobane tomorrow, show this to him. I'm pretty sure we were in agreement during the discussion, but sometimes alcohol can make complete agreement sound like utter disharmony.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Only Sick Music Makes Money Today. --Nietzsche

First, some blog business:
I rearranged the layout a bit (it's wider now) and changed the color scheme (it's lighter now) and I changed my picture from the old 3D X-ray of my head with my 3D face over it to an old picture of me run through the Fresco filter on photoshop6 (partly cause I think it looks cool, partly cause the colors match). If you like it, leave a comment! yay!

Second, some self-promotion:
My review of the Sage Francis/Buck 65 show went up on the Ground Control site today. check it twice, here. And If you backtrack to the main page, you can check out my interview with Sean Tillmann of Sean Na Na & Har Mar Superstar. Here.

Third: I need a job.
Seriously. If anyone knows anyone, now's the time to drop my name.

Fourth: David Thorpe, a guy I have a serious journo-crush on, made a Mims reference in his column this week. Coincidence? yes! Click here and judge for yourself.

Music News:
Topping the charts this week is Toby "Shock'n" Keith's album Big Dog Daddy, which I can only assume has something to do with those T-shirts that people with uncontrollable attitudes use to warn others. My uncle wears them as a way of informing me that I should stay off the green since I can't putt with the big dogs. Some may be surprised to hear that according to E! Online, Toby is a "politically polarizing" country star. It seems that the bar for being any sort of political force gets lowered everyday. Look out world, Toby Keith's got opinions. Just read his T-shirt.

Pete Townshend does not support downloading music. Kiddie porn, though, that's a much more complicated issue with no clear-cut answers. Right, Petey?

Michael Jackson settled another lawsuit involving him screwing a finance company over a $273 million dollar loan. In a press conference, Michael said he would undergo elective surgery to adjust his facial expression to reflect his feelings regarding the legal matter.

Johnny Rodriguez was a country star in the 70's and now he's busted on drug charges. I was going to say more, but who cares? Bye Johnny. Catch you on the county fair circuit.

The not-quite-memorable members of Motley Crue have sued Tommy Lee's manager for offering him two gigs on reality shows. The 2 shows cost the band show revenues, quality time with the T-man, and the severe bummer of not being cool enough for reality television. fuuuuck. If only there were some sort of licensed professional they could call who could make them feel good, or at least make them feel alright.

Wow. Music news is boring. I'm taking a mulligan tonight and we'll try again tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Crazy People Make Music. Surprised?

I read an article today by the one and only Motor City Madman, Ted Nugent. It (at first) describes the arguably unfair firing of some roadies fired by vegan Paul McCartney over some contraband hamburgers. Now, I've been a vegetarian and a vegan (if you count it in small, accidental spurts) and am now back on the omnivorous side of the fence. I don't really care if Paul fires his roadies or cooks them over an open fire (I imagine Ted would be equally torn over this decision), but the Nuge stepped up and drilled Sir Paul like a Fist Fightin' Son Of A Gun (that's a Nugent song). Well, he would have, if he hadn't gone on to accuse anything left of mainstream conservative politique as a certifiable mental disorder. I'm not about to step into the quagmire of saying he's wrong or he shouldn't have said that, because he's got his freedoms and his opinions and he fucking kills with both guitar and composite bow and that ain't nothin' to fuck with. But I, as a trained disciple of the Wu-Tang clan, am likewise unable to be fucked with. And I will say, Mr. Nuge, that you have made my list of Awesomely Batshit-Crazy Musicians. Here tis':

Top 10 Awesomely Batshit-Crazy Musicians
Bjork
Bob Dylan
Captain Beefheart
Gibby Haynes
Iggy Pop
Morrissey
Peter Gabriel
Syd Barrett
Ted Nugent
Wesley Willis

I know there are plenty of crazies out there and plenty of awesomely weird musicians, but this hall is reserved exclusively for people who are distinctly and recognizably out of their gourd to such an extent that it made their music friggin' awesome. I'm sure at some point i'll revise and explain this list, but it stands thus for now. And it's not numbered, because you can't quantify crazy, no matter what the Tyrant Wendigo-King may claim.

So, I guess the moral of the story is, don't fuck with the Nuge. Or he'll accuse you of being exactly what's wrong with america, even though you're a British Knight.

For More Nugent-related Knee-Slappin', this excerpt from the McSweeney's Book Of Lists

Next Time On "I Fought The Lol:" Top 10 Awesomely Batshit-Crazy Ways To WOW Your Man In The Bedroom!

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Fuck You, Physical Album Purchasers! (Rant)

Top 10 Albums sold in 2006
Rank Title, ArtistUnits sold
1. High School Musical, Soundtrack3,719,071
2. Me and My Gang, Rascal Flatts3,479,994
3. Some Hearts, Carrie Underwood3,015,950
4. All the Right Reasons, Nickelback2,688,166
5. Futuresex/LoveSounds, Justin Timberlake2,377,127
6. Back to Bedlam, James Blunt2,137,142
7. B'day, Beyoncé2,010,311
8. Hannah Montana, Soundtrack1,987,681
9. Taking the Long Way, Dixie Chicks1,856,284
10. Extreme Behavior, Hinder1,817,350

Listen, I realize that not all people who buy actual CD's at real Record stores are deserving of the F-bomb, but take a look at that chart. I tracked this down after reading an article in Rolling Stone that seemed to decry the lack of albums purchased as the death of the music industry. Personally, I've been enjoying watching the record folks squirm and I don't think it's gone far enough. This is an industry that's been pushing artists to put out singles for decades, because then fans of the single purchase a whole album to get to that song. Now, the single-centric fans that have been long-bred to get totally fucking lost in that one song can get just that one song for a reasonable price, and it's ultimate backfire on the ivory tower crowd. I can only see this as helpful. The only way this is hurtful to artists is if those artists are entirely dependent on label support. Any musician worth their salt is dependent on labels only because that's the current landscape and the industry has made it expensive and difficult to self-produce and self-promote with any real effectiveness. So when the dinosaurs choose not to adapt to the changing climate of the world post-iTunes-meteor, they die off and the more intelligent species continue. And now, because that was very convoluted, I will just talk smack about that 2006 list.

High School Musical? Really? Apparently Soccer moms have yet to discover the joy of in-car MP3 for their minivan/station wagon. Honestly, I can't think of anyone between the ages of 16-30 who could purchase this and not feel just a little bit like they've defiled themselves. Same goes for Hannah Montana. I don't really know the concept behind Hannah, but if it involved anything other than her being mercilessly ridiculed by her peers for her stupid rhyming name, it's beyond my ability to suspend disbelief. And I watched Mystery Men, twice. Unironically.

Nickelback. It's one thing to see a band like the Mars Volta pull a crab every once in a while trying to pull off a very difficult and rare style, but how is it so hard to be a radio-friendly rip-off of Nirvana that you'd have to break formula and write pastepudding country songs? Come on, fellas. Buy a Fuel album or two, you'll get the hang of it I promise. By the way, one of the things the RS article mentioned was that Creed was in the top 10 in 2000. And even though today everyone agrees that Creed sucks, everyone is still buying this shitty style (they're still even buying Creed records, which have surpassed 11 million). The masses ARE asses.

Hey, remember when everyone loved the Iraq war and hated the Dixie Chicks for not also loving it? Yeah, well suck it. This shallow victory goes out to everyone who saw this shitstorm coming back when Bush was rigging his first election.

And can someone please tell me who the fuck Hinder is? I have never heard of this artist or band, and it is shocking me greatly to know that they've released a top-selling album. I assume they're a country act, since those can be wildly successful without being the least bit remarkable (ahem, Rascal Flatts). In fact, from now on I think all modern country albums should be released under the artist name "The New Country Western Good-Time Conglomerate" and then they can all just split the money. They've been inbreeding ideas, lyrics, and styles for some time now. It makes me very sad that Johnny never lived to put a cigarette out in Kenny Chesney's eye.

But again, please inform: WTF is Hinder?

EDIT: I'm bummed. I completely overlooked the fact that Beyonce's album is called B'day, which i'm certain is pronounced exactly the same as "Bidet."

Sunday, June 17, 2007

What Is And What Should Never Be

This idea is almost CERTAIN to fail. So let's throw it on out there. I'm going to make up 3 bands which should exist. If any of you out there are musically inclined, you may then form these bands only with my permission. Trademark, biatch.

1. Bone-Thugz-On-Ecstasy
Pretty self-explanatory. What if instead of rapping about bitches and money they started rapping about how much they love everything and how good it feels to rub Icy Hot on themselves. Instant classic.

2. The Transients
The other day I saw a man dancing around with a guitar for money on the street. I've heard a lot about the hardships of touring but I can't imagine they'd be any worse than the hardships of being that guy. And if a group of homeless guys formed a band, all of their homeless-person craziness would be written off as Rockstar quirks.

3. Wolf Bubbles
Michael Buble + Wolf Eyes = Awesome. He'd be all angry at them for running around high and smacking themselves with medieval weapons, and they'd be all angry at him for his stern refusal to emote. It'd be the greatest musical odd couple since Oasis.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Overanalysis of a Rap Song

In search of features that i'd like to bring with some frequency to this blog, I'm throwing alot of crazy shit out there. If you like anything you read, let me know and I'll do more of it. If you don't like something, let me know and i'll fucking icepick you.

So, once upon a time in 9th grade English class, my teacher told me to overanalyze EVERYTHING. Now, she was probably referring to William Golding's classic novel Lord Of The Flies, but I think it bears it out in the real world... in real time. So I've decided to pick a rap song and completely and utterly dissect it to find all its beautiful hidden meanings. My original idea had been to put Chamillionaire's "Ridin'" under the microscope, since a little under a year ago a very drunk guy in the same car as me put it on at full volume and screamed at me to "REALLY LISTEN TO IT. LISTEN TO THE WORDS." But the hip hop world is fickle, and that song really just won't pop it's thematic collar quite as fiercely as it did last year. So instead i've selected the equally multi-faceted "This Is Why I'm Hot" by Mims. (Please note that this is "This Is Why I'm Hot" and NOT "...Why I Rock." I'm sure you'll understand how this confusion could really fuck with my analysis.)

"This is why I'm Hot" By Mims

I'm hot cuz I'm fly
You aint cuz you're not

This is why, this is why I'm hot

Clearly he's referencing an older song in which he expertly but concisely explains why he's fly and you aren't.

This is why I'm hot
I dont gotta rap

I can sell a mill sayin nothin on da track


Mims references here the collective unconscious mind, what Emerson called the Oversoul, and how it is inherent in his music.

I represent New York
I got it on ma back

And dey say dat we lost it

So I'ma bring it back


He had one of those "I Heart NY" shirts on, but it turns out it was his buddy's so he had to return it because his buddy accused him of losing it.

I luv da Dirty, Dirty
Cuz niggaz show me luv

The ladies start to bounce

As soon as I hit da club

But in da Midwest

Dey luv to take it slow

So when I hit da H

I watch you get it on da floor
And if you needed it hyphy
I take it to da Bay
Frisco to Sac-town

Dey do it eriday


"Eriday" seems to reference the inhabitants of the ancient Sumerian temple-city of Eridu. Obviously Mims is insinuating that the Bay area has a sacred quality to it for its contributions to his art.

Compton to Hollywood
As soon as I hit L.A.

I'm in dat Low-Low
I do it da Cali way

Mims finds himself overwhelmed by the vastness of Los Angeles. So much so that he's forced to get in dat Low-Low (the ones which Snoop hit dem corners with) so as to not appear as much of a fish out of water is he's feeling inside.

And when I hit Chi'
People say dat I'm fly

Dey like da way I dress

dey like my attire

move crowds from side to side

Dey ask me how I do it and simply i reply...


I think Mims has seriously overestimated the emphasis that Chicagoans put on clothing. And also their curiosity regarding his crowd control techniques.

This is why I'm hot
Catch me on da block

Every otha day

Another bitch another drop


It's interesting that Mims is going through bitches and drops on an only "every otha day" basis. Again we see a marked disinclination towards the hip-hop lifestyle and Mims finding himself weary of its shallow victories.

16 bars, 24 pop
44 songs, nigga gimme what you got
I'm in there drivin cars
Push 'em off da lot

I'm into shuttin stores down so i can shop
If you need a bird I can get it chopped

Tell me wat you need you know i get 'em by da flock

I call ma homie black meet on da ave

I hit wash with da money in da bag

We into big spinners

See my pimpin never dragged

Find me wit different women dat you niggaz never had


Mims is interested in virgin women because they represent the innocence he feels he has lost. It's very important to him that he has women that the other niggaz never had.

For those who say dey know me know I'm focused on ma cream
playa you come between you'd better focus on da beam

I keep it so mean da way you see me lean

And when I say I'm hot my nigga dis is what I mean


Focusing on the beam is a term used in radio navigation, specifically for aircraft at sea. Mims is warning those who might attempt to come between him and his cream that it would prove to be difficult to determine exactly where his cream might be, or even what his cream even is.
My educated guess: Whipped.

This is why I'm hot
Shorty see da drop

Ask me wat I paid and I say yea I paid a quap

And den I hit da switch dat take away da top

So chicks 'round da way dey call me cream of da crop


To 'Quap' is to quiver or pulsate. So Mims' payment is not one of cash, but a thoroughly shaking emotional ordeal. But he has endured it in pursuit of his ultimate goal, to be the cream of the crop.

Dey hop in da car
I tell 'em all bout

We hit da studio dey say dey like da way I record

I gave you Black Train and I did you wrong

Everytime I see 'em and dey tell me dat'z their song

Dey say I'm da bomb


"Long Black Train" was a 2003 country song by Josh Turner. According to wikipedia, "Generally, Turner is credited with being the writer of the song,'Long Black Train', although information about the song's origins is not readily available through internet source." Mims is saying that he, in fact, wrote this melancholy ode and that he now regrets the pain that it has stirred, even though when people recognize his work they try and congratulate him.

Dey luv da way da charm hangin from da neck
And compliments da arm which compliments da ear den comes da gear

So when I hit da room da shortyz stop and stare

Den niggaz start to hate rearrange thier face

Little do dey know I keep 'em things by waistside

I reply nobody gotta die
Similar to Lil wizzy cuz I got dat fire


Yeah, that's a Lil' Wayne reference right there. Solid.

OMG IZ SCATURDAY


See. It's not THAT kind of scat. Although I think my PageRank probably jumped a notch or two.

Somebody Lllluvvvvz the congaz. Iz that guy in the back.

So this is totally gonna be a thing I do. This is fun.

Mean Things about Nice People: Chapter One

A lot of blogs have a friday five. It's like a list of 5 things in a category that's chosen for that week. It's almost entirely arbitrary as far as how categories get selected, but I figured I should have one anyway. So to make it more interesting, and to amuse myself, i've come up with a theme which will carry me forever: Saying horrible things about bands and artists whose only crime was making music in the same universe as me. I may even like some of these artists, but that's not what fridays are all about. INAUGURAL SMACKDOWN HO!

1. Amy Winehouse: Proof that being a painted-up lush is acceptable so long as you sing good. That's empowerment, right?

2. Plain White T's: Boy George did that exact same transitory blend of hip and sensitive. And he fucked his drummer. These kids have some work to do.

3. Rihanna: No thanks, guys. I'll catch the next one-name-sexy-R&B-songstress-featuring-a-rapper bandwagon. I'm still sore over all the depreciation my Monifah action figures have gone through. Mo'llectible they are NOT.

4. Fabolous: I understand why he swapped out the U. it's a hard sound to make. And since when has hip-hop ever been about expressing oneself clearly?

5. Puddle Of Mudd: It's called karma. These guys get a mountain of undeserved record label advertising and support (they're called post-grunge for fuck's sake), but every sunday evening one of them has to get dressed up like Kurt Cobain and fellate David Geffen while he listens to "Smells Like Teen Spirit" on repeat.

--BONUS DISS--
Cake: I saw a billboard proclaiming that Cake would be appearing for a weekend performance at some casino near Lake Tahoe. I can't even imagine the hordes of disappointed old people upon discovering the non-dessert nature of these fading alt-rockers.

Friday, June 15, 2007

I'S IN LONDON, CALLIN UR DOODZ



Somehow, in my noobishness, I managed to remove these from this post when I added the labels. They's back naw.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Holes Of The Housy

Pardon that Title. I've been listening to a LOT of Butthole Surfers lately.
Anyways... This is a blog I will write about the things I like. A lot of it will be music-related.

This is a column I like to read:
http://www.weeklydig.com/music/burn_unit/

I don't feel like saying anything more, so that's all for now. Bye.