I Fought The LOL

BOOHOO BOTCH.

2010-02-03T22:50:00.001-08:00

Oh Matt! You don't update anymore! How will I know what to listen to if you don't tell me!

http://hypem.com/feed/loved/mdupree/1/feed.xml

That's how. Okay, it's part of how.

http://www.last.fm/listen/user/mdupree/personal

that works too. It's a bit old though.

Just figure it out yourselves!

Coachella Lineup, Y'all.

2010-01-20T13:18:00.001-08:00

2 many DJ's
Aeroplane
Alana Grace
As Tall As Lions
Aterciopelados
B.o.B.
Babasónicos
Band of Skulls
Baroness
Bassnectar
Beach House
Benny Benassi
Calle 13
Camera Obscura
Céu
Charlotte Gainsbourg
Club 75
Coheed and Cambria
Corinne Bailey Rae
Craze & Klever
David Guetta
De La Soul
Deadmau5
Deer Tick
Deerhunter
Delphic
DEVO
Dirty Projectors
Dirty South
DJ Lance Rock
Echo & The Bunnymen
Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros
Erol Alkan
Faith No More
Fever Ray
Florence & The Machine
Flying Lotus
Frank Turner
Frightened Rabbit
Gary Numan
Gil Scott-Heron
GIRLS
Gorillaz
Gossip
Grace Jones
Grizzly Bear
Hadouken!
Hockey
Hot Chip
Iglu & Hartly
Infected Mushroom
Jay-Z
Jet Overhead
John Waters
Julian Casablancas
Kaskade
Kate Miller-Heidke
Kevin Devine
King Khan & the Shrines
La Roux
LCD Soundsystem
Les Claypool
Little Boots
Little Dragon
Local Natives
Lucero
Major Lazer
Matt & Kim
Mayer Hawthorne
Mew
MGMT
Miike Snow
Muse
MUTEMATH
Old Crow Medicine Show
One eskimO
Orbital
Owen Pallett
P.O.S.
Pablo Hassan
PAPARAZZI
Passion Pit
Pavement
Phoenix
Plastikman
Porcupine Tree
Portugal. The Man
Pretty Lights
Proxy
Public Image Ltd (PiL)
Ra Ra Riot
Rusko
RX Bandits
She & Him
Shooter Jennings
Sia
Sleigh Bells
Sly & The Family Stone
Spoon
Steel Train
Sunny Day Real Estate
Talvin Singh
The Almighty Defenders
The Avett Brothers
The Big Pink
The Cribs
The Dead Weather
The Dillinger Escape Plan
The Glitch Mob
The Middle East
The Raveonettes
The Soft Pack
The Specials
The Temper Trap
The Whitest Boy Alive
The xx
Them Crooked Vultures
Thom Yorke????
Tiësto
Tokyo Police Club
Vampire Weekend
Wale
White Rabbits
Wolfgang Gartner
Yann Tiersen
Yeasayer
Yo La Tengo
Zoé
Z-Trip

I make one phone call and you're selling Shitberries at an Uzbek bus station!

2009-12-14T22:57:00.000-08:00

Frankmusik: A man for all seasons

2009-12-08T15:54:00.000-08:00

Vincent Frank, born Vincent James Turner, records maliciously catchy electropop. That's the cover of his album right there. Here's a song from it, just to give you an idea of what he sounds like:

But that's just the beginning. Despite his indisputable rep as a pop guy, he's actually quite talented. Here's him performing a live set at an apple store, doing a cover of "It's A Sin" (proving he also has good taste in pop):

And this song, which heavily samples "Golden Brown":

Did I mention he's an amazing singer?

And if that weren't enough, he also beatboxes really fucking well:

And then he remixes other people's music, reeeeeally well:

and he gets remixed well too.

TCV

2009-11-18T20:27:00.001-08:00

Flairs - Trucker's Delight (NSFW Y'all)

2009-11-17T23:58:00.000-08:00

While the song is awesome and the 8-bit animation style makes it seem like a sick SNES game (both definitions of sick), this should only be viewed by those who appreciate utterly tasteless humor of a sexual and scatological nature. So if you like IDM and videogames, but hate your dignity, go ahead and watch.

2009-11-16T13:48:00.001-08:00

Not gonna lie, this one's mainly for Mike and Shar. If they still read my blog, that is.

"Battlefields" - Sole & The Skyrider Band

2009-11-14T20:29:00.001-08:00

I MAY ALSO KNOW NUFFIN.

2009-11-09T08:45:00.000-08:00

http://marinaandthediamonds.com/2009/11/i-know-nuffin/

and this:
Marina & The Diamonds Interview

From the top:
I started contributing to State mag in Ireland, and one day I got an email looking for someone to interview Marina Diamandis, better known by her nom de guerre Marina And The Diamonds.

I had just seen the "I Am Not A Robot" video and loved it, so I threw my hat into the ring. I didn't do any of the publicity legwork, so all I had to do was wait for my time slot. Artist interviews, if you're curious, are almost universally loathed by the artists who do them. But they don't hate doing them out of conceit, or at least most don't: they hate doing interviews because it's time-consuming and they're busy people. There are other factors too, but not in this case. In this case, Ms. Diamandis was working on her album, and had to find a time during the day that she could stop work and talk to me.

The first scheduled timeslot was at 2:30pm GMT. GMT as in Greenwich Mean Time. This means the interview was at 6:30am here at my apartment. Easily the earliest i've ever had to wake up, but what was I expecting right? So I wake up at 6am that day and find out that it has been rescheduled for the next day two hours later. So it was half-good news.
The next day i got up at 7, headed to the Union office, and got set up. Then I received an email asking if I could call her phone, as opposed to her calling me. The Union office phone barely calls Los Angeles zip codes, so there was no way I could use that. My cell phone, though it would charge me a ton of money, would work but it always makes for a terrible recording. So I downloaded Skype and used what credits I hadn't already spent on a previous interview for a phone call to London. Well, as soon as Marina's manager got a hold of her and then sent me the go-ahead. It ended up being about an hour later, all told.

I mention the delays and hiccups not because they upset me. They're part of the game you play as a music journo, and I've got no clout to use to make anyone work around my schedule. The point of mentioning this is that I was very excited to talk to Marina and if getting to do it meant waiting at the computer all week, so be it.

As to our interview, it was one of the strangest i've ever been a part of. Marina is aggressive, opinionated, and witty; but she's also still fairly new to the industry and fairly new to interviews. Also, on my end, my experience doing interviews seems to have served to make me feel invincible on the phone, leading me to stutter and pause for long stretches and barely notice it. I swear i took at least 3 twenty-second breaks just to read an old blog post of hers or look back over my notes, the whole time muttering "umm"s and "ahhs" and pretending to start a sentence. I don't remember where I heard the comparison of interviews to sex, but it certainly fits here. It was a sort of awkward and pleasant experience dotted by brief moments of discomfort and apology (TWSS).

At one point, after discussing the sexual nature of music videos, I pointed out that in the 'Robot' video, she appears to be nude (the video is all shoulders-up, so nothing too racy). It probably sounds a little silly, and perhaps even sounds like a cop-out, to say that I wasn't expecting her to actually consider the implications of it. But she did. It became clear as she responded that the whole complex structure of the thing was unfolding in her mind. Perhaps she suddenly saw herself as part of the same machine she found so bizarre. Perhaps she suddenly questioned her ability to accurately express herself in the media ever. There was suddenly blood in the water, and it wasn't clear whether it was hers, mine, or Shakira's.

(I suppose I could have overestimated the drama of this situation, but that's what it felt like at the moment. Drama.)

I did my best to get back to basics. I tried to reinforce the fact that I was a fan of hers. I was trying everything I could to steer the story back to an up-and-coming artist with talent to burn and a passion for her fans. To a certain extent, it got there, but that moment still lingered. I felt like I'd let her down as a scribe, failing in my one duty to promote her with my words. That's a little self-centered on my part, but it's true. I ended the interview with a reference to Cheese Whiz (which is a distinctly American entity and confuses Brits, apparently) and then she totally burned me after I told her I was in Los Angeles writing for an Irish magazine. I believe she said something to the effect of "Are they running out of writers in Ireland?" Oof. She got me.

Anyways, this morning I read her blog post titled "I KNOW NUFFIN." and got really self-conscious. First of all, I'm not going to assume she's talking about my interview, because there's a strong chance she isn't. I'm not the only gig in town, and definitely the only gig in the world. Some things add up. First, the time frame is right, and she says 'he' when referring to the journalist. And we did talk about her comments, their impact as she becomes more famous, and Shakira. However, she also calls me 'wise and kind,' and that's maybe 50% true at best. I considered leaving a comment (i'm still considering it) and I sent her a tweet asking if that's what she meant. I don't think she'll respond though. I should have asked anonymously. Now I look like i'm grandstanding.

Her main concerns are that a) she comes across as unintelligent when she blogs, and b) contradicts herself or sets herself up for negative publicity by expressing herself (this is a complete paraphrase, read her blog and make up your own mind). She obviously wanted to use her blog to dialog with fans, to pull down the wall between the artist and the audience. This is indubitably admirable, as virtually no artists today attempt that on a genuine level. They drop a tweet here and there, and they have someone post stuff on their blogs and update their tours on myspace, and that's it. Marina, on the other hand, blogs extensively. She leaves twitter messages about how she's feeling, even when she's not feeling positive. She gets involved.

Unfortunately, she cannot easily create the 'round table' of fans that she wants. I won't say it's impossible, but it hasn't been done. And if you're going to do anything truly new, it's going to be an uphill battle. Her comments will remain elevated, and she'll be judged, constantly and unfairly, by them. So the question becomes: is it worth it? Yes. It totally is. Playing with other people's notions of celebrity and beauty and sexuality lie is the soul of what it means to be an artist. There will always be criticisms, and many of them will be unfair or just wrong. But criticisms can also be positive. They allow us to get out of our own mindset and see ourselves the way others view us. To immediately toss out these perspectives as inconsequential would be juvenile.

And there's no law of celebrity that says you have to be the same person with the same beliefs for the entirety of your career. If Marina truly considers her blog a place for honest dialogue on the internet (oxymoron?), and I believe she should, then she has permission to be malleable in her opinions. After all, to be open to discussion doesn't mean you'll just 'hear' differing views, but that you'll listen to them sincerely. And why shouldn't we be open to criticism? Nobody has a monopoly on the truth, and those that claim to are the most deluded of all.

My hope is that Marina continues to blog, and sing, and say whatever the hell she wants despite those who would judge her. After all, it's not modesty that makes a Diamond, it's pressure.

Halloooooweeeeen Pt. 2

2009-10-29T15:49:00.001-07:00

By the way, i fixed the last post. Check out the new video. Or THESE videos:

Marilyn Manson - Sweet Dreams

Marilyn Manson |MTV Music

(probably could've picked a few manson videos, but this one seemed to be the scariest to me)

Tool - Schism

Metallica - One

fun fact: Tenacious D's song "Tribute" was based on this song. Kyle had never heard it, to which JB responded that it was the greatest song in the world. The video, like the song, is based on Dalton Trumbo's "Johnny Got His Gun," about a maimed soldier who loses all of his limbs and senses and remains trapped within his own mind.

Aphex Twin - Come To Daddy

WARNING: SERIOUSLY GRUESOME VIDEO
Nine Inch Nails - Happiness In Slavery

At The Drive-In - Invalid Litter Dept.

Interpol - Evil

Halloooooweeeeen

2009-10-24T12:27:00.000-07:00

While it may not be scary in the movie sense, the following videos are still strangely frightening. Be sure to watch in Full-Screen mode:

Teargas & Plate Glass - "Plague Burial"

Neon Bonde - "Headlines"

Fever Ray - "If I Had A Heart"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HvjK29Gpn0

I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness - "The Owl"

I just got google voice.

2009-10-19T19:24:00.000-07:00

It ROCKS. In fact, it rawks. click it, it's on the right hand side here. Leave me some notes or what not. You can also text me there and it'll be like a freaking email. it's crazy.

INVASION

2009-10-19T12:37:00.000-07:00

INVASION - Moongazer (EP version) from Marek Steven on Vimeo.

They call themselves Drunk Wizard Metal. I call them master.

INVASION - Spells of Deception from Marek Steven on Vimeo.

INVASION - Follow the Smoke / Conjure War from Marek Steven on Vimeo.

Prepare Yourself.

Them Crooked Vultures

2009-09-27T21:23:00.000-07:00

Them Crooked Vultures are:

Dave Grohl - Drums

Josh Homme - Guitar

John Paul Jones - Bass

Nothing New Under The Shuffle Beat

2009-09-10T12:39:00.000-07:00

My friend Rachel, whose blog address will probably be different next week, pointed out that the new muse single, "Uprising," heard here:

sounds exactly like the Belle and Sebastian song "White Collar Boy"

... but it goes deeper. Here's an article on NME about more songs that the new song sounds like:
http://www.nme.com/blog/index.php?blog=10&title=seven_tracks_the_new_muse_single_reminds&more=1&c=1&tb=1&pb=1

and if you check the comments, you'll see quite a few more examples: "Womanizer" by Britney, "Strict Machine"by Goldfrapp, "Call Me" by Blondie, the list goes on. But it all pretty much comes back to this song:

Say what you will, that songs pretty good for a pederast.

not sure what to say here...

2009-08-01T12:27:00.001-07:00

EMBED-MC Hammer Vader Busts a Move - Watch more free videos

What's better than a three wolf moon shirt?

2009-07-25T16:00:00.000-07:00

I'll bet you look better elsewhere than you do on the dancefloor.

2009-07-25T15:10:00.000-07:00

I never got the Arctic Monkeys. And by that I mean that all of their singles have been boring and repetitive as fuck. It's been done, UK, so stop it already. But then a little birdy told me that they were actually good, but somehow had been marketed as some sort of sneering britpunk knockoff, like the Libertines if they had got radioplay in the US. And it fits, because basically they've been shown off as the viable commercial version of all those UK bands that refused to play nice. They were fun whilst Oasis demanded to be dour, and they wouldn't go on any Clash-esque political rants or Pete Doherty-esque drug binges. Basically they became the Puddle Of Mudd of Great Britain (after Kurt Cobain died, David Geffen led the charge in finding the new grunge forebearer, and he failed miserably with Puddle.)

But despite my opinion of them changing, I hadn't really gotten into the polar primates. Until now:

It's a kicking single which doesn't resort to speed, danceyness or sneer for its power and it's got a crazy video to boot. Throw in the fact that my hero, Josh Homme, produced their new LP, and you've got a winning formula. Sign me up twice.

I got pranked.

2009-07-14T19:11:00.000-07:00

well sorta. I left myself signed in to blogspot somewhere and in a banana second someone had posted two videos. But now I feel like i've robbed you of two videos, so here's some replacement tunes:

The most cringe-worthy use of the word "pure" you'll hear today.

2009-07-09T10:27:00.000-07:00

Ted Danson reads his fan mail.

2009-06-29T19:12:00.000-07:00

more like BAWL-E

2009-06-19T01:43:00.000-07:00

remember when you cried during Up? well warm up those ducts, because Pixar's not quite done with you.

Pixar Grants Dying Girl's Wish To See 'Up'

Read the whole thing, it gets amazingly sad toward the end.

Great Moments in Verbal Pedophilia

2009-06-17T21:26:00.000-07:00

Can anyone else imagine the phrase "Verbal Pedophile" showing up in a Wu-Tang song?

"I'm a verbal pedophile, snappin' MCs like a crocodile/
put on ya crocks with tube socks and try to walk a mile"

Free Music: E-603

2009-06-17T19:52:00.000-07:00

No, not mp3. Zip. as in, full album. This guy's gotta be like twelve but he mashes a mean song.

here's his FREE discography.

Here's his free first album.

The weird part is that I have at least 10 friends who would rock that sweater without batting an eye.

Sacramento, you savage cretch.

2009-06-03T15:24:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I look at posts from The Onion in my news feed and assume they're real only to realize my mistake, smirk, and whisper "oh, Onion. You're wondrous." Other times, it doesn't quite happen that way. These times, as Dr. Ian Malcolm would say, "Life finds a way."

1 Killed in Late-Night Taco Truck Visit

Weezer Snuggie part 2

2009-05-27T13:16:00.000-07:00

http://www.aversion.com/news/news_article.cfm?news_id=12765

Now they're making a Weezer branded Snuggie. They have become suck incarnate. Every specific thing that is bad about music and the music industry is now being worn like a merit badge on the many bemerit-badged shitsash that is Weezer. Pretentious? check. Overhyped? check. Commercialized to the point of glorified infomercial? check.

You Hear That, Weezer? You're an infomercial now.

Mastodon Gig Posters

2009-05-24T11:23:00.000-07:00

Here.

So good.

"where are the bracing yet approachable guitar patterns?"

2009-05-23T13:50:00.000-07:00

Radiohead Denies Influencing Local Band

Not to put too fine a point on it, but when will the Onion write a bad joke? Seriously, guys. You're making the rest of us look bad.

Also, OK Computer changed my life. Thought you should know.

Heaven Knows I'm Literature Now

2009-05-23T08:09:00.000-07:00

that's the title of a paper I wrote the other day. It was about English Literature and it's relationship to religion through history. Here are the other titles I was kicking around:
Alternate titles for this paper:

This Knight Has Opened My Eyes
God Save The Theme
Allegory In The UK
London Scrawling
Talkin' 'Bout My Veneration
Annunciation Breakdown
Grouses Of The Holy
Prayer-way To Heaven
Wrack Sabbath
Sign O' The Thames
Gimme Cloister
Symbolism For The Devil
(Can't Get No) Benediction

Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Put On A Snuggie...

2009-05-22T18:06:00.001-07:00

Weezer, like the raw pestilence that they are, fucking ruined it for you.

Hey guys, let's promote our new tour with a press conference where we wear snuggies! It'll be goofy AND cultural!

Greg Brady loves it when you call him Big Poppa

2009-05-21T08:43:00.000-07:00

New Dredg

2009-05-20T00:16:00.000-07:00

Information

I've heard grumblings from a few people about the new album, but fear not: they are wrong and this album is fucking awesome. I feel as though their sonic and stylistic repertoire is expanding, and that's what's making people who worshipped at the throne of El Cielo and then Judas'd Catch Without Arms (which is actually a ridiculously solid album when you analyze it track by track) so very uncomfortable. (I apologize for the length of that sentence)

Anyways, this album has just a thousand new sounds, and i've been having an absolute ball picking it all apart. I wouldn't recommend it to all of you out in internarnia, but for some it will hold a great cascade of delights.

Also, note the drummer playing piano in the video and the wrench on the pedal steel. bodacious.

If a E gets an attitude, drop it like its hot

2009-04-14T13:33:00.000-07:00

I have a tumblr. I also have a few tumblers, but those don't inform or entertain so much as they carry liquids so that I may drink from them.

http://Kneeholes.tumblr.com

It's cooler than you think.

Fishsticks + Kanye West = Gay Fish

2009-04-09T12:17:00.000-07:00

if you haven't seen last night's south park, give yourself the gift of it right now.

Or, if you're of the short attention span clan, just watch this:

makin' love to other gay fish.

NOTORIOUS T.T.E. (Thomas the Tank Engine)

2009-03-10T19:13:00.000-07:00

A lot of times I see things on the internet that I'd like to post, but they don't meet my rigorous standard of "sorta related to music that I like." Well, that lot of times is not this time.

There's more here, but this one's the best.

Coachella's strict "No Outside Alcohol" policy claims another victim

2009-03-10T18:06:00.000-07:00

Bringing back an old joke: "They tried to make me play a concert..."

If you hadn't heard, Amy Winehouse is going to be having a Staycation this April. She'll be abandoning the contract-ordered gig at Coachella so she can spend more time with her lawyer.

Which is cool, because now the Coachella poster looks like this:

It's actually kinda sad though, because I had the chance to see Amy at her first Coachella 2 years ago. She performed thoroughly beautifully and was a consummate professional despite drinking through the entirety of the set. It was sorta.. kinda.. charming back then. There was no paparazzi and nobody assaulted anyone. Call it the Golden Age of Winehouse. The Amy Of Aquarius.

Amyways, The lineup still looks great and the hubbub allowed me to look again and see that The Orb, Etienne De Crecy, Plump DJs & Murder City Devils have been added to day 3. So I guess that means it's time for...

WATCH A COACHELLA BAND RIGHT NOW: CHAPTER IV

Filed under "unfortunate"

2009-03-03T18:10:00.001-08:00

Excuse me, lemme introduce my lady...

2009-02-22T00:21:00.000-08:00

Her name is Beretta and she mothafuckin' crazy.

Okay, her name's actually Simone. And she's not crazy, but more like crazy awesome.

but she's got a blog. dot blogspot. dot com.

Listen to a Coachella Band right now: Part 3

2009-02-12T14:22:00.000-08:00

CRYSTAL CASTLES - "Untrust Us"

THEMSELVES - "Poison Pit"

MORRISSEY - "Irish Blood, English Heart"

LATE OF THE PIER - "Bears Are Coming"

LYKKE LI - "Little Bit"

Listen to a Coachella Band right now: Part 2

2009-02-04T18:09:00.000-08:00

Gang Gang Dance is too weird for my roommate. He prefers Fall Out Boy.

Fucked Up is too heavy for my roommate. He prefers Tori Amos.

The Horrors are punk. My roommate doesn't care for punk. at all.

Junior Boys are awesome. I'm not sure how my roommate feels about them, but he's probably wrong. I've attached the snowboard video that their song "in The Morning" appears in because that's how Ryan Kobane and I discovered the awesomeness of Junior Boys.

Bloody Beetroots. This video will not properly represent Bloody Beetroots, but OMG titties.

Listen to a... HOW THE FUCK HAVE I NOT HEARD THIS BEFORE?

2009-02-03T22:24:00.000-08:00

Ladies and gentlemen, I submit for your Jersey Shore rockout, the Gaslight Anthem:

Listen to a Coachella Band right now: Part 1

2009-02-03T21:30:00.000-08:00

This is a little out of step with my usual penchant for aggressive slow-core with electro-polyrhythms, but I like this song so i'm putting it up. It's by Dear & The Headlights (terrible) and it sounds like a lovesick Sparta.

This is a band i'm excited to see called A Place To Bury Strangers. It's like hypno-frantic shoe-gaze psych-space. yeah, i dig it.

This is N.A.S.A. and it's a DJ collective. I suppose that means they won't be performing this, but they'll probably do something relatively similar and it's a sick-ass video featuring the art of Shepard Fairey. win-win.

People Under The Stairs: I love this. Blends my love of Pharcyde and Tribe Called Quest style versework with ironic T-shirt wearing. Note the Zep shirt on Double K.

Apparently this band is too cool for embedded videos. And by apparently, i mean they're really cool. So click, you bastard: it's White Lies. "DEATH"

2009-01-22T14:05:00.000-08:00

On Friday, for 500 bucks. You can get one o' deez. Needless to say, me gusta.

YES WE CAN

How to post a fake blog post on my blog

2008-12-02T13:59:00.000-08:00

Go to the Union Office.

Go on to any of the computers.

Go to blogspot, where google's persistent log-ins while sign you in as me in my blog.

post some dumb shit.

Thank you google.

Irony At Its Goopiest

2008-11-22T00:10:00.000-08:00

Nickelback, on the growing lack of good rock bands:

"I feel like there's not enough rock bands out there, especially when we go on the road," said Kroeger, who performs with the Canadian rock outfit on "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno" on Wednesday night. "It's tough to find other bands out there, because either they're making a record, or they just got done touring. So kids: Start rock bands. Set down the 'Guitar Hero,' learn how to play an actual guitar and start a band, because it's hard to find more bands to put a solid rock-and-roll package together, to get out there. It's getting harder and harder, but I think we've done it."
(http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1599652/20081118/nickelback.jhtml)

Just like Cypress Hill...

2008-11-05T16:57:00.000-08:00

I got to get my props.

(Copy/pasted from the LA Times site)

Propositions: Precincts reporting: ~100.0%

1A: High-speed rail
Yes 52.1% No 47.9%

2: Farm animals
Yes 63.1% No 36.9%

3: Children’s hospitals
Yes 54.8% No 45.2%

4: Abortion notification
Yes 48.0% No 52.0%

5: Drug offenses
Yes 40.1% No 59.9%

6: Criminal justice
Yes 30.8% No 69.2%

7: Renewable energy
Yes 35.2% No 64.8%

8: Gay marriage ban
Yes 52.5% No 47.5%

9: Victims’ rights
Yes 53.5% No 46.5%

10: Alternative fuels
Yes 40.3% No 59.7%

11: Redistricting
Yes 50.6% No 49.4%

12: Loans for veterans
Yes 63.5% No 36.5

(Green is for winning propositions, Red is for winning bigotry)

Somewhere in America...

2008-11-05T14:48:00.000-08:00

A stock car is crying.

I endorse Barack Obama.

2008-11-03T21:19:00.000-08:00

Totally meant to do that earlier. My bad.

Oh, and I endorse him for President. But i'd totally endorse him for other stuff, too.

Hit the road slackin'

2008-11-03T14:22:00.000-08:00

This year, for NaNoWriMo, I decided to go for it. Of course, I spent the first 4 hours of the month of November at a big-ass dance festival, so it should surprise no one that i've slacked so far. To my credit, however, I crap out a surprisingly popular (from my own informal polling 0f people who tell me so) column of 475 words on a weekly basis in a dark couple of hours on a friday afternoon. I know my small contingent of writer-friends will back me up on this. Either way, I figured i'd give a brief synopsis of my novel so you know I have some idea what i'm going to write about. It might sound a little derivative of other books, stories, and themes that I like, but that's exactly how I want it to be. Here goes:

A devastating nuclear accident in the Soviet Union puts an immediate halt to the Cold war and the United States is forced to re-allocate its significant-but-suddenly-unnecessary defense funds and nuclear resources into something less specious than the arms race in the wake of massive anti-nuke sentiment. So, the government decides to look into positive applications, bolstered by studies concluding that exposure to specific frequencies of radiation could affect the human body in suuuuperhuman ways. Of course, the good intentions of the director of the experiment find themselves encroached by the greedy and the malcontent and the program finds itself with some figurative and literal monsters to battle with. And of course, certain shadowy elements of the disgraced USSR remain bent on re-establishing the tenuous old balance of power.

How's that for a back cover blurb.

I was basically trying to throw in everything I like (superheroes, monsters, special agents) into an alt-universe backdrop where everything can --and will-- go wrong. Should be fun.

Hey! you!

2008-10-07T14:39:00.000-07:00

If you couldn't tell, i've been super-busy with the podcast. HERE.

I've got it to the point where I can mix in music for some constant chatter accompaniment.

It's like ridiculous how good i've gotten with GarageBand.

Also, today I discovered that a Y chromosome may in fact be required to enjoy At The Drive-In. Sucks. I was totally going to use them on a date. Intensity!!!

So, for now you ought to go check out the pod, and I will attempt to refocus my musical wit on this stuff.

For instance, Passman & I invented a game where we construct a band based on five parts (to fit our usual top 5 format). The picks go as follows:

First, pick a Drummer

Second, pick a Bassist

Third, pick a Guitarist

Fourth, pick a Vocalist

and lastly, your Wild Card

Then select a band name and a song performed by a different band (separate from the bands of your members).

Also, some rules. Only one member may be dead, and no two members may have been in the same original band. Also, you must pick them based on their main instrument, not on instruments they're able to play. So, for example, my band looks like this:

The Paranoia Thomson

Drums: Stewart Copeland, The Police

Bass: Les Claypool, Primus

Guitar: Tony Iommi, Black Sabbath

Vocals: Iggy Pop, The Stooges

Wild Card: Marc Bolan, T. Rex

...and they would perform "Peaches" by The Stranglers

See. One dead guy (Bolan) and no two members in the same project. Technically Les Claypool and Stewart Copeland were in Oysterhead, but that was a one-album project.

Also, if you're REEALLY bored, here's Passman's band:

Pit Viper

Drums: Jimmy Chamberlin, Smashing Pumpkins

Bass: Peter Hook, New Order

Guitar: Stephen Carpenter, Deftones

Vocals: Robert Smith, The Cure

Wild Card: Frédéric Chopin

...and they would perform "Achilles' Last Stand" by Led Zeppelin

Feel free to create your own and be sure to subscribe to the podcast through iTunes so that I don't have to fucking tell you every time something gets posted. My GarageBand skills can only grow at this point so it should be some Crazy Goodshit (born: Craztopher John Goodshit) in the future.

Unh.

Back from the Gator Pit

2008-08-26T15:16:00.000-07:00

Yes, I was attacked by gators. They got two toes and, more importantly, they stole my sense of security. My well-being took a serious hit, but i'm ready to blog again. Call it my small victory.

So I figured i'd just warm back up with a series of personal insults directed at musical figures; a ferocious five if you will. This one's pop-themed, since i'm still getting my groove back and pop is a damn easy target. Here goes nothin':

1. Fall Out Boy: I feel like I should point out that I have never been wrong about Fall Out Boy. That said, I can announce that their new album will sound like goats melting and everyone's little sister is going to masturbate to it. Except for MY little sister, who's been forcibly programmed to have good musical taste and also has no sexuality to speak of. none. end of story.

2. Heidi Montag: I don't know who the fuck this person is, but they should know that being a celebrity will never give you artistic credibility. For a list of other things that will not give you artistic credibility, listen to Heidi's single "Overdosin'". Scratch that, just read that title over and over again for three minutes; it'll be less repetitive, less depressingly mediocre, and a lot less headache-inducing.

3. Avril Lavigne: I know I pick on her alot, so I'll just let the news speak for itself. After the Malaysian government originally cancelled Avril's performance there due to pressure from Islamic traditionalists who felt she had a corruptive, sexy image, they have now reversed that decision. That's right, the ruling body of Malaysia has declared Avril Lavigne not sexy. (Aw Snap!)

4. The Jonas Brothers: I have no idea who these guys are but a cursory glance at their wikipedia page reveals that I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THEM. Rule #1: If you wear a promise ring, you are not playing rock music. Rule #2: If you abstain from something and play rock music, you must tattoo your philosophy onto your body. I don't care if you're just allergic to penicillin, you better get it inked. That means you, diabetic Jonas Brother. Oh, and "staying pure until marriage" doesn't mean much when you're a media whore. Just ask Mandy Moore.

5. The Pussycat Dolls: Have just lost Kermit the Frog. Oh, wait, no.. that says Carmit. It must be, hold on there's a photo here. Nope, looks like a frog puppet to me. Lots of makeup though.

GIRL TALK. New Album!!!

2008-06-20T04:50:00.000-07:00

FEED THE ANIMALS

By Girl Talk

Get It.

If you can't pay, that's okay, you just have to click a reason why.

If you pay 5 bucks or more, you get a mixtape version (one big track).

If you pay 10 bucks or more, you get a physical copy of the album when it comes out in a couple months.

If you're not familiar with Girl Talk, it's sample-based insanity. If you're already part & parcel in the party people, rest assured the crazy juxtapositions are just as sharp and twice as shocking.

Example Honorees:

Flo Rida "Low" + Velvets "Sunday Morning"

Procol Harum "A Whiter Shade Of Pale" (AKA that soft organ tune that's instantly recognizable but otherwise a mystery) + Youngbloodz "Damn"

The Band "The Weight" + Young Joc "It's Going Down"

Radiohead "Paranoid Android" + Jay-Z "Roc Boys"

MIA "Boyz" + The Cranberries "Dreams"

Radiohead "15 Step" + Blackstreet "No Diggity" + Kanye "Flashing Lights"

Runner-Up Example:

Soulja Boy + The Cure + Thin Lizzy (check it yourself, it's amazing)

The Piece d' Resizzle:

Metallica "One" + Lil Mama "Lip Gloss"swooooon.

Rock Lesson #341: Select your "Diva" moments carefully

2008-06-18T14:39:00.000-07:00

When you're a multi-platinum artist, everybody wants a slice of your time. In fact, they'd be perfectly okay with you having no time for yourself. So, as a matter of personal boundaries, its okay to pull back a bit and have a diva moment every so often. Morrissey is a great example, if only because he's already instilled within his public the notion that every show, interview, and public appearance may be scrapped upon half a whim. Pete Doherty & Winehouse work just as well, although Amy actually has some semblance of work ethic to it. These moments are important, and not just for the leisure time it affords, but also for the artistic cred that comes with being enigmatic. Remember that although Pearl Jam did far more for the world of confessional grunge rock, Kurt Cobain will always be the tortured genius. But these diva moments must be carefully orchestrated, or else "tortured genius" melts comically into "Whiny Egomaniac" faster than cheap tupperware in the microwave. Here's how it should be done:

Recently the French president Nicolas Sarkozy pulled out his microphone and walked away from an interview for 60 minutes. Leslie Stahl had decided to ask him about his impending divorce, but someone must've given him the impression that he'd be asked about, oh I don't know, presidential stuff. Ultimately, Leslie Stahl looked like a bewildered child suddenly unglued from the rules she had assumed were firmly in place; and the French president looked both presidentially invincible and dismissively French. It was perfect.

Of course, no blog entry would be complete without some heartless insult-tossing, so here's how you DON'T partake in a diva moment:

Kanye West: First he demanded a 2:35am set time instead of the paltry 8:15pm that fest organizers offered him. Then somehow the stage isn't ready until 3:30am, which isn't bad when you consider that Kanye didn't begin to make use of it until 4:35am. First of all, the set time was moved because he wanted it to be dark and Pearl Jam had the headlining slot. Now, I don't think 8:15 is a particularly bright hour, but I do think that it probably hurt Kanye's pride to think that someone else would get a better slot than him. So then when the headliner went long (which is why they're the headliner), Kanye's applecart got upset. So by golly, if he had to wait an hour, he'd make all his fans do the same. Take that, fans! Of course, some fans remained unassaulted and waited for Kanye. This devotion was of course rewarded by the rapper's expert use of a shortened set, virtually complete lack of crowd interaction (or explanation or apology), and a generally lackluster performance. One can only imagine the irony supernova when he performed "Stronger:"

Now that don't kill me, can only make me stronger.
I need you to hurry up now 'cause I can't wait much longer.
I know I got to be right now 'cause I can't get much wronger.
Man, I been waitin' all night now, that's how long I've been on ya.
...
You should be honored by my lateness
That I would even show up to this fake shit

Coldplay's Chris Martin:
One of the greatest maneuvers in the diva playbook is the interview-gone-wrong. It has very immediate and guaranteed press coverage, allows for a very clear pronouncement of the diva's grievances, and can sometimes provoke sympathy for the artist by transferring the problems onto the interviewer. But in an interview with the BBC, Chris Martin became uncomfortable when questioned about the new album's lyrical themes. After the interviewer asked if the album's title hinted at a recurrent theme or preoccupation with death, Chris accused him of trying to goad the singer into saying something he didn't mean. Heaven forbid Coldplay have any sort of lyrical arc or depth to their lyrics! The album, Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends, has received an enthusiastic "eh" from critics, all of whom do an amazing job of hiding their general disgust with Coldplay's chosen field of pastepudding pop by accenting how masterfully they make their non-fascinating music.

PODCAST!!!!

2008-05-28T15:25:00.001-07:00

The Ten People You Meet At Coachella

2008-04-30T23:50:00.000-07:00

The Friend: Probably the most depressing figure at Coachella, this person has no taste whatsoever but tags along with their hip buddy to all the bands they like. The sad part is that no matter how many great acts they are dragged through, they will never be able to get into music. They are on the outside looking in, and it is costing them a lot of money.

The Mom: If you couldn't tell by her wide-eyed vicarious enjoyment, look for the kid keeping a stern 4 paces in front of her. Sure, she only bought a ticket to chaperone her child, but damn if she isn't just loving the journey.

The Obstacle: You know you're the obstacle if you're over 6'6" and love big hats. Also, you probably like swaying and standing in front of shorter people.

The Mountaineer: closely related to the obstacle, the mountaineer has severely overestimated the Desert experience. He is easily identified by his hiking boots, wool socks, canteen, and wide-brim hat. He also easily identified by his ridiculously aloof appearance at the dance tent.

The Bro: In case you weren't aware, Coachella is in Riverside county. For further proof, that guy over there is wearing a Kottonmouth Kings shirt with no sleeves.

Kid with Glow-sticks: Why the fuck does that kid have glow-sticks? He's not even doing anything with them.

Unfortunate Goth: Yep, no matter what, someone always thinks its a good idea to put on big black pants covered in buckles and go spacewalking through the desert.

The Old Person: Coachella's new target demographic. Evidence #1: Jack Johnson, Prince, Roger Waters. Evidence #2: That flattened Ensure bottle on the ground. Evidence #3: There's a hell of a lot of old people around this year.

The Jailbait: Good God Damn, that 14-year-old is wearing a toothbrush for a top. Somebody call her parents.

The Random Celebrity: Is that Danny DeVito?

Coachella Roundout part I: Jokes

2008-04-29T01:12:00.000-07:00

When you've been writing about music for as long as I have, you start to get ahead of yourself at shows. The mind cannot help but try and form interesting sentences and descriptions which you'll no doubt forget by the time you write the damn article anyhow. But then, when you're as crazy as I am, sometimes the mind comes up with really odd shit to say that aren't particularly true or make any sense at all and honestly you consider printing it anyways (by the doctrine of "Anything Pitchfork can do, I can do better"). So... as I scramble to assemble viable copy from Coachella, I will assault you with these dumb things that I conjured up while watching various bands perform:

Holy Fuck: "If James Brown were alive today, he'd be Holy Fuck."

Serj Tankian: "FROM BEHIND THOSE EMPTY LYRICS!!!! FROM BEHIND THOSE EMPTY LYRICS!!!!"

Roger Waters: "And then, silently, the world stopped taking its medication."

Deadmau5: "Either this guy's fucking amazing or I'm just a sucker for goofy masks. Or both."

Prince: "Prince is so gay he fucks women." (I'm such a class act.)

Stars: "Little did they know the hatred that seethed behind the delightful, loving pop tunes."

Gogol Bordello: "Then the great holy gypsy danced into the crowd, which offered him their wallets freely as tribute." (gypsies, pickpocketing, oh nevermind...)

Busy P: "They say the more alien in appearance the DJ, the better the set."

Metric: "What's the sound of one man napping? Oh yes, zzzz...."

Fatboy Slim: "That guy might be older than electronics."

Goldfrapp: "She's wearing like 3 decades right now."

I'm From Barcelona: "It's like being diabetic. You could be in I'm From Barcelona and not even know it... Until your organs started shutting down."

Spank Rock: "In the history of Hip-hop shows, there has never been a more clothed female presence onstage than right now. Except for maybe Queen Latifah, but only if you go by yards of fabric."

Chromeo: "If you're cool enough to be onstage for this show, you're cool enough to take a punch in the balls from me."

I'm a blogcritic, Dottie. A rebel...

2008-04-09T19:47:00.000-07:00

News From The Machine IV: A New Hype

Leave a comment if you read it. First person to leave one claiming that Weezer is "Teh best" gets mad kudos from me. Extra points if you call me a "Dumb Jock" or accuse me of being a rap fanatic.

Hideously Deformed Electro Of Superhuman Size & Strength

2008-04-08T22:03:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago, I watched Toxic Avenger and fairly thoroughly enjoyed its campy indulgence. And now, in my latest plug, I feature a remix of a track done by the artist of the same name.

The remix end of it is Lies In Disguise, which is actually two dudes more famous for their other stuff than L.i.D. will likely ever be. It is:

Blake Miller, singer and laptoperator of the Moving Units (He plays guitar too, not sure if he still does)

Dylan Eiland, a.k.a. Le Castle Vania, DJ Destr-ordinaire and first to officially pun on the name of I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness. (He replaced Darkness with Disco*)

Anyways, I dug it when I first heard it on that IHC/SCION tape, so here's a proper nod to the Kabukiman-masked maniac. Proper.

*For my money, Darren's still got the better one: "I love you but i've chosen Shark Week.")

IFOUGHTTHELOGO

2008-04-07T22:10:00.001-07:00

I made an awful logo!

I'll tweak it a bit so it looks more fitting, but I have a logo now!

After Digitalarmes-- a blog I frequently and indulgently enjoy-- changed their logo to add boobs, I decided I should step into the realm of images. So there it is. And until such time as I pick something cooler to put in it, it will have my picture.

Ta-da!

VIVA LAS JUSTICE

2008-04-07T18:28:00.000-07:00

Photo By Ryan Kobane

So, as some of you know, I went to Las Vegas last weekend with a few buddies and went to the Justice gig at the House Of Blues. As I predicted, the task of writing the article for the Union Weekly managed to bounce off all other involved writers and land squarely on my shoulders as I sat 400 miles away from the newspaper with only 24 hours' notice to get it done. Obviously, I slam dunked it and it looks fucking great. So now I bring to you the third in my Union Copy/Paste series, hours before it goes to print. Read it while it's still exclusive!

Also, please note that it is intended to be in Gonzo style. I could never duplicate the great HST, but I will dutifully follow his teachings. That said, here's the article which I wrote with the headlines and tag that I had no part in.

Fear And Justice In Las Vegas:

A Very Gonzo Account Of What May Or May Not Have Happened At The Justice Show

In Vegas

It began as all great stories will: an hour late and armed down to the floorboards with alcohol. As the convoy pulled out of sunny, safe Orange and headed east, there were no illusions of what was to take place. The stage was set for a baptism of filth, and the players were in rare form that evening. The plan was simple, or at least it started that way: Drive to Las Vegas, Attend a Justice show, and then do as much damage as possible before speeding off in the getaway vehicle before the first sunbeams reveal our deeds. Unfortunately, unreliable elements made their way in to the equation.

As far as Elvis fell from his glorious youth at the time he died, a quick glance down the strip makes even the King, bloated and rhinestone-studded on his death-toilet, look like a Kurt Cobain supernova. Las Vegas is the slick package that fools and sleazebags believe is the American Dream. Everything is commodified, and nothing is taboo. If others found your deepest delights to be uncouth, low, and insipidly bizarre, Las Vegas will sate you in ways you’ve never known. Long gone are the rat pack days of tousled tuxedoes and cigar-chomping flair. There is only elegance-flavored excess, a living postcard flattened, glossed, and built to entice. The mutants are running the circus now.

We checked in at 4pm to our all-too-basic room in the Tropicana, a winding fortress that always manages to spit you out at the casino area. I’ve been told that they saturate the air with oxygen so that gamblers find themselves feeling strangely invigorated simply throwing dice, so I breathe deeply hoping to pull in some of that slippery euphoria. It is hard to imagine that this place could tear your life apart, but I brand across my memory that it will if you let it. No one in our party gambles that night, making it the only vice we abstain from by choice. Within an hour, we are set up in our room with what has been officially coined the “Mobile Booze Lab.” It consists of:

a large plastic flask of Vodka

a bottle of premium Gin

6 beers

Tonic

Strawberry Puree

Sweet & Sour

Margarita mix

...and an ice bucket that is woefully unequipped for our ice needs.

The drinks we make taste like strawberry lemonade despite their remarkable alcohol content. The television has only very few channels so we watch celebrity news until we set up some music. Adhering to the second law of concert-going, we do not listen to anything being played by the night’s acts. We are just about buzzed when a cursory check of the tickets reveals that doors open for the show at the ungodly hour of 6pm. It is 6pm.

Thankfully, Las Vegas has no (enforced) open container law. Beer bottle in hand, I stroll out of the casino and flag down a taxi. After directing him to take us to the House of blues, he chuckles and suggests we walk since it’s just a couple casinos down. So on we walk to Mandalay Bay. Within the Mandalay Resort Group area are three casinos at the southern tip of the Vegas strip; The Mandalay Bay, Luxor, and Excalibur. The Luxor shows its age more than any of the others, as it now bears a 15-story advertisement for cellular telephones.

Entering the venue was entirely without hassle except for a frantic phone chase by me for the inevitable afterparty and the happy problem of giving away the four extra tickets of which we found ourselves in possession. Drinks were outrageously priced, so I kept it simple with a shot and an energy drink to bolster my intoxication and keep it at optimum levels during the dancing. And oh, was there ever dancing. Somehow I found myself in a crowd of unfamiliar women attempting to fend off sleazier men unfamiliar to them. Observing a strip club approach to touching the girls (none, let them touch you), there began a sweat-soaked cotillion with an air of hypnotic sensuality.

By the time Justice ended their set, I had nothing left. I sauntered defeatedly toward the door to sit out the coming encore. Thankfully, that notion of overoxygenated casinos seemed to ring true, and a sugary drink and a moment’s rest on the Mandalay floor had me back to what I’ve decided to call “Vegas normal.”

Somewhere in the muck of it all, I receive divine providence and a text message informs of the whereabouts of an afterparty. Since everyone in Las Vegas is far more interested in Vegas than some afterparty, none of the artists and no names worth dropping are in attendance. There are beautiful women, lots of them underage, taking refuge from the sketchy characters wandering the city. Even brief conversation with them points me to the conclusion that the achievement was simply getting there, and it becomes time to move on. On our way out, we ask the valet what bar he goes to. “Ellis Island.” He immediately offers, “Take a right just past Bally’s.”

The walk takes forever. Men handing out flyers for hookers mob the streets and all of the Disneyland-like elements of the strip shut down. This is no place for children. The night stalkers are about.

Ellis Island is definitely the insider’s drink spot. $3 nets a well drink and we cast out our trios of dollars as quickly as we could. The locals were deep into their karaoke and after ten minutes it became obvious we were never going to get our chance to perform. So we screamed what lyrics we knew until the fierce gazes of the locals, recognizing us now as interlopers, drove us out into the still-surging streets.

Morning couldn’t come quickly enough. I was ready to rid myself of the lights and spectacles. The open road was as quick a cure as I could hope for. And so I stared out the window, down the broad spine of the strip, and realized how quickly one can get homesick in this cultural vacuum.

Matt & Kim & Mano & Hollywood Holt

2008-04-06T22:54:00.000-07:00

It's A Fact.

If you didn't blindly click that link, here's some things that'll make you wish you had. First of all, it involves Matt & Kim, who are always fun and great and fun and that's all there is to it. Also, it sounds kinda like a disjointed postal service jam with a little more sing-alongability and without that distinct air of wizardliness that PS' whooshy IDM always has.

Also, if you don't know who Matt & Kim are, you need to check them out. Super great music made by a super cute couple.

Come to my house Matt & Kim, I will pay you in good beer and good hugs. Like at least 4 beers, and at least 5 hugs.

If you live in europe, you can see Matt & Kim live. Otherwise, it's gonna be a hell of a commute. If you don't like it, call them and tell them to come have a show at my house. Mention the beer and hugs.

Here's the tour as it stands:

APR 30 - Bergen, Norway @ Bergen Festival
MAY 1 - Oslo, Norway @ The Garage
MAY 2 - Stockholm, Sweden @ Debaser
MAY 3 - Huskvarna, Sweden @ Popadelica Festival
MAY 5 - Haarlem, Holland @ Liberation Festival
MAY 5 - Groningen, Holland @ Liberation Festival
MAY 6 - Amsterdam, Holland @ TBA
MAY 8 - Antwerp, Belgium @ Trix Club
MAY 9 - Paris, France @ La fieche d'or
MAY 10 - London, UK @ The Underworld Camden
MAY 11 - Leicester, UK @ The Charlotte
MAY 12 - Leeds, UK @ The Cockpit
MAY 14 - Glasgow, Scotland @ Beat Club
MAY 15 - Sheffield, UK @ University Of Sheffield Fuzz Club
MAY 16 - Brighton, UK @ TBA
MAY 17 - London, UK @ The Luminaire

Please note that they are playing at a place called the "Trix Club" and another called "The Cockpit," not to mention "Debaser" and "La Fieche d'or" which I believe is french for "The Gold Fetch." Or it's just a typo and it's supposed to be "La Fleche d'or" meaning Gold Arrow. I'm sticking with The Gold Fetch.

Let's all move to Paris already.

Now we can take his gun!

2008-04-06T10:25:00.000-07:00

Charlton Heston, 1923-2008

Scott Weiland Loves Drugs

2008-04-03T15:03:00.000-07:00

According to The Onion, Scott Weiland has left Velvet Revolver. Or, more specifically, Velvet Revolver has left Scott Weiland, likely due to his tendencies to achieve biblical levels of loadedness and his incorrugible talent at failing rehab efforts.

To get some idea of the level of drug abuse Scott was surfing at, he got kicked out of a band full of old Guns N' Roses members for it. I'm imagining him carrying around a brick of heroin and constantly nibbling at it through the day like a big narcotic candy bar.

Anyways, Velvet Revolver will hopefully die out now and Scott Weiland will have more residuals to persuade him against making any more music to sully the decently rockin' STP albums. As I mentioned not more than a week ago, if that guy could've lived and got loaded off of his STP royalties, there wouldn't have a been a single track released after Core.

New Layout, same shitty aesthetic.

2008-03-27T17:15:00.000-07:00

I attempted to make the blog look better today, and I failed.

I call upon anyone who knows a simple way to design a fairly simple blog with an image at the top and columns on either side to keep everything all centrally located to help a brutha out.

Pitchfork: Old And Busted; Ifoughtthelol: New Hottness

2008-03-26T22:35:00.000-07:00

RichDork has once again proved how annoyingly predictable by pouring serious derision on something that's awesome but doesn't fit into their canon of musical cool. Let's look at some quotes:

"Barely adequate dance-rock to keep you occupied until the next Klaxons record"

That's funny, because I have never even given thought to the possibility of a new Klaxons record. If it means new Klaxons track remixes, though, i'll get on board.

"like they've bought up some old Chemical Brothers kit on eBay and haven't read the manual yet"

Name drops in total throughout this article: 5. (two were for the klaxons, who are treated only in the warmest, most fellatious tones)

If you couldn't yet sense the consistent theme of "These guys aren't sounding like the band I like and they don't appear to notice that and it makes me very angry," here's the piece d'resistance:

"old-school ravers... they're just rightly pissed at the band's tired ideas and terminal complacency."

What a logomancer we have in Tom Ewing,
another successful graduate of the Pitchfork School of High-handed Language With Vague Intent and Utter Knowitallism.

Yawn.

Did I ever tell the story about how the Pitchfork internet cunt threatened my life via a Radiohead forum? Seems he was upset that the forum folk loved my In Rainbows review more vocally than PF preferred.

Pitchfork Media: The Internet Tastemaker Without Any Taste Of It's Own.

"And we rule." Oh Pitchfork, your snarky sarcasm always gives me the giggles. I wish I had enough thesauruses to be like you guys.

My blog helps me be more self-absorbed

2008-03-26T20:45:00.000-07:00

Today I got back the photos from the USU Year In Review bit that I did a stint modeling for. Needless to say, I look amazing. They all came with the phrase "Courtesy of Bonzon" written all over disc and folders, so due diligence suggests I mention that these photos are courtesy of Bonzon.

They told me to bring something that represents me so I brought my headphones. All in all it was a fun experience, up until they made me take off my top. "I'm a male model, not a male prostitute!" Ahh, now that was a great album. (the show wasn't bad either)

Anyways, I feel I should also mention that when I posted those VBS.TV clips about North Korea (which you need to watch if you haven't) were at the request of Biz 3, a publicity company (and just cool folk) that I work with a lot for shows since they tend to have the best acts on their roster. What I realized after directing Biz' Dana to my blog to see that I'd posted the NK vids was that Crystal Castles is one of their acts. So not only did she see my CC post from a ways back, but she also saw the image I made. She was very amused and sent a copy over to Crystal Castles! So cool. I love being a media stooge.

ULTIMATE LYRIC CHALLENGE!

2008-03-24T21:04:00.000-07:00

Those shades are fucking powerful. They instantly photoshop any image they appear in.

I found this lyric quiz which forgoes the usual banality by listing every word in the song in alphabetical order. It's remarkably difficult, but I knuckled up and succeeded wildly. See if you can beat my score (I don't trust your word as to what score you get, so don't try to wow me with a better score than I put down.

Are you the Alpha lyric trivia master?

Most of the ones I missed I wasn't bummed about (some of them I've only listened to once), but #48 really made me feel foolish.

Ultimately, I got 28 out of 50 correct, and as far as i'm concerned that is world champ level lyric identification. I may have to make a trophy up for myself.

As an addition to the quiz, i've added the following 5 songs simply because they look awesome when alphabetically rearranged. Guess 'em!

#1:
2 a Afghanistan AIDS airline Alabama always and anymore Arabia are Around away Ayatollah's back Bardot Bay baseball Beatlemania beats been Begin Belgians Ben Berlin Bernie Bien Birth Bloc blown bomb Brando Bridge British Brooklyn's Buddy Budapest burn burning But California Campanella can't Castro Catcher Charlse Checker Chi children China China's Chou Chubby Clock Communist cola Congo control crack Crockett Davy Day dacron Dean debts didn't Dien DiMaggio Disneyland do Doris Dylan Edsel Eichmann Einstein Eisenhower else Elvis En-Lai England's falls fight fire Foreign Fortune Gaulle Glenn go Goetz goodbye got gone Grace H Harry have heavy Hemingway Ho Holly homeless homicide hoops Hula Hur Hypodermics I in invasion Iran is It James JFK Joe John Johnnie Joseph Juan Kennedy Kerouac King Korea Krushchev Kwai Land law Lawrence Lebanon Liberace light Liston Little Mafia Malcolm Malenkov Mantle Marciano Marilyn martial McCarthy metal Mickey Minh Miss monkey Monroe Moonshot Nasser Nixon new No North of Ole on Pacific Palestine Pan Panmunjom Pasternak Patterson Paul payola Peron Peter Peyton Pigs Phu Place politician Pope Presley Princess Prokofiev Psycho punk queen Ray Reagan Red Rhee Richard Ride River roller Rock Rockefeller Rosenbergs Roy Russians Rye Sally say sex shores Since Santayana South space Sputnik Stalin Starkweather start Strange Stranger Studebaker Suez Sugar suicide Syngman take team television terror thalidomide The to Toscanini tried trouble Truman turning U under vaccine vets Walter wars was Watergate We what Wheel when Will Winchell winning Woodstock world's X

#2:
After Do Better Ever Faster Harder Hour Is It Make Makes More Never Our Over stronger Than Us Work

#3:
3 a ability afraid all also an and animals antibiotics ants associate at baby back bad bank better boiling but cage calculated calm car careful cat chance charity check childish comfortable concerned contact contemporaries credit cries cry dark days dinners down dreams drink drinking driven ease eating employee enjoy escape exercise fats favours film fitter fond for frequently friends frozen getting good grip gym healthier hole illness in into keep killing kisses laugh less like longer love memory microwave midday moral more moths much never no not nothing now of old on or orders pace paranoia patient pig plughole powerless productive public saturated shadows so spiders the then to too washing well with

#4:
a again alive all An and another around asleep back be beach believe belly beneath break broken bump bumped But came can Chop chords chorus city coda come comes coming confess could crashing cry crystal curse days die divides Do Doing down dress drop drug earthy else ever Face faith feel feeling fell for four freak games get give given gives go goes gold golden Good-bye got ground grows head her hit hold holding How I I'm in inside is it its jaws just Keep kind life lift like line listening little lives living locked made make mattress me meth motivation must my myself no nose not nothing now of on One Ovation over own packed panties pass pictures place plane play priestess red rhythm right rips rose round run said sand say says scared Semi-charmed she she's show sips sky Slide smile Smiling Some something speak stage Still stock stop struggling survive take takes taking test that the them then there They this Those through tick-tock to toes took tripped until up urge velvet verse want we wearing were we're what when where Will wish with won't would you You're

#5:
Alcohol and C-c-c-c-c Cocaine Ecstasy Marijuana Nicotine Valium Vicodin

enjoy. Post your answers if you'd like. i'm certainly not telling.

Carnaptious Yearlings On Acid

2008-03-24T12:02:00.000-07:00

Heartsrevolution has a new EP called C.Y.O.A. that's coming out on the 15th of April. Since they're on the ever-so-thoughtful IHEARTCOMIX records, they've already got a video up and a single download as well. The EP has remixes by some favorites of mine (Brodinski, Dan Oh), and there's even a Flosstradamus mix running around the net. Anyways, the video's pretty cool and i'm always down to distribute Flossmus' work.

Heartsrevolution - CYOA (Flosstradamus RMX)

Still don't know how to make that a streamalicious flash object. oh well.

Also, if you just go to frankichan.com/websongs/, you can access a fucking ton of good stuff.

SPLAD-OW.

Franki Says Remix

2008-03-20T02:26:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you're all aware that besides my moonlighting as a blogger, I happen to be what they call 'press.' Like print media. It's kind of like a website, but you put it on paper and then fold a bunch of papers together and call it a 'magazine.' Anyways, I got an email from Franki Chan of IHEARTCOMIX and it asked all press folks to post his new mix. And since I'm always in the habit of circulating stuff by groups that I enjoy, I thought i'd oblige him. Plus, the more favors I do for IHEARTCOMIX, the closer I get to my dream of having Matt & Kim play at my house. So here's the SCION mixtape, which sounds a lot better than those god-awful machines look.

(Any HTML nerds that might know how I could make that stream with one of those flashy embedded deals ought inform me.)

Shill it 'til ya' kill it,
MD

P.S. By the way, I hereby take credit for the phrase "FRANKI SAYS REMIX" if nobody else has come up with it. So long as you send me one of any product you place it on, i'll be happy. My T-shirt size is a spindly medium.

Kim-Jong-Il-vania

2008-03-18T14:11:00.000-07:00

Vice just put up a really great travel documentary about North Korea. I don't want to ruin anything for you, but suffice to say if you've never seen a well-oiled propaganda machine this is a great opportunity.

The Vice Guide To North Korea

The rest you'll have to go to the site and get yourself, ya bunch of freeloaders.

Crystalgate: "This Is A Tricky Gray Area"

2008-03-17T20:54:00.000-07:00

So the simple brushing of the cape that I received not too long ago has caused me to post about a comment I left on another blog which in all likelihood precipitated said brush.

On Digitalarmes, on this post, there was a whole lot of hubbub about an "artist" named Trevor Brown, some musicians named Crystal Castles, Madonna, and a shiner.

Basically, Crystal Castles was once tiny and unknown and they used an image they found somewhere by a tiny and unknown artist and put it on some stuff. Now, crystal castles has a record deal, Trevor Brown has a creepy website, and the issue of money has come into play. Each side is very quick to tell the other to go fuck themselves (since both operate outside mainstream taste, and outside of each other's taste, alot of "That's Not Art"/"That's Not Music" has been slung around), and it looks to each side as though the other is just being D-bags about it.

In the most direct sense, it's infringement. But then, once you think about it, it sort of complicates itself. The way I see it, this was the same kind of artistic borrowing that goes on between semi-professionals all the damn time. It's a truce forged on the idea that nobody's getting rich so we let it slide because everybody's got rent to pay. Then Crystal Castles broke the truce by becoming semi-popular and, damn it all, financially viable. Now they've got a label that can be sued for real amounts of money, and isn't that reason enough to get litiggy wit' it?

Also, i'm fairly certain there ought to be some sort of statute of limitations, but I won't go to bat on that. Sometimes, you just have to let it slide and find the silver lining. For Instance, wouldn't it hold that Crystal Castles digs the art and might consider using him for stuff in the future? And hasn't this all given Mr. Brown a vast amount of traffic that he wouldn't normally get, considering his artwork is mainly americanized hentai shock-porn?

In the interest of following my own preaching, here is an outside-the-box solution which requires no lawyers' fees.

I made this:

It's not very good, or at all original (Like Trevor Brown!), and I'm offering it for free to Crystal Castles, Mr. Brown, and anyone else of great, little or no consequence. However, if Crystal Castles would like to use it, i'm demanding an in-person handshake at the next CC show I attend (but that's negotiable). I don't want anything else, as it might encourage me to draw more things, and that's not good for anyone.

Also, best wishes to Crystal Castles' chanteuse/enchantress Alice Glass, who was recently injured in an automobile accident. As someone who also has suffered crash-related rib injuries and breathing difficulties, I extend my deepest sympathies.

Photo by Jez Cave!
(props to Tom for keepin' me honest.)

Get well soon.

Union Copy/Paste Vol. II

2008-03-07T16:11:00.000-08:00

This was my byzantine word-journey through my Vegoose experience. I took a fair bit of crap for ripping off HST, but I felt it necessary to do a few nods in his direction given the subject matter. Plus, i've been doing that whole first-person meandering narrative bit for a very long time, since before I read (or watched) any Hunter material. Anyways, here 'tis:

Vegoose'd:
A Mostly True Cautionary Tale

My first memory of Nevada is waking up, as it is for most people, I assume. Suddenly, a wave of nausea overtook me, which I chalked up to the loud music playing and my inattention to the road. But after a long night of drinking, singing, and general rudeness that had considerably cut into my sleep, I was in no mood to fight the itch to nap nor the resulting urge to vomit. Nevada is an excellent place to vomit. It is dry and in the mornings it is comfortably warm. And ever since the city committed itself to the “…Stays in Vegas” mantra, the driving populace has ignored such roadside adulteration. It did not, however, soften my bitterness at the loss of all that Gatorade.

I was not alone in this mission, as I still had too much alcohol in my bloodstream to be operating an automobile. However, I always treat these journalistic vacations as solo missions, and the sickness which beat down on my brain only helped to divorce me from the surrounding masses. That’s definitely going to be the word I use to describe the Vegoose audience: masses. Surrounding Sam Boyd stadium was a crowd of hideous clowns and skanky revelers. The upcoming Halloween holiday has always been an influence, I’m told, and the desert wasteland did little to discourage garish black dress-up. A man clearly hired off the street attempted to shanghai me without a press pass, but I evaded him by passing myself off as a photographer. As long as it gets me into the press area for my evening interview, I tell the man, I won’t have to call the site manager and tell him what a bucktoothed mooncalf he’d hired. He wrangled another ticket and assured me that the photo pass would allow me access to everywhere I was entitled and more. I vomited again, on the ground next to him, and moved on to the security line.
Once inside, I set myself to the stalwart task of curing this bastard hangover. As with any properly prepared trip to Vegas, I had a sizable repertoire of medicines, but I knew that I would need the whole load just to set me right that afternoon. A drunk near the toilets asked me to hold his drink, and I absconded with it. Certainly, he would have thanked me for my theft if he were clearheaded. It was cola and whiskey, and it tasted expensive. It went down well with pills. I set out to earn my press credentials.

The Vegoose grounds were set up like a miniature Las Vegas. In some towns, that might be considered disrespectful, but not here. You can gamble in gas stations and there are strip malls devoted to quickie weddings. Even Vegas has a hand in its own parody. A notable difference between Nevada festivals and those of our own fair state is the absence of beer gardens. In Nevada, the whole fucking festival is a beer garden. There were no less than twenty locations to purchase alcohol, and I’m fairly certain I indulged in most of them (the award for best bar going to the lovely ladies at the Double Down stage’s local watering hole). The downside of this is that the drunks are incorrugible multitaskers, and make every effort to do everything they’d normally do while holding their drinks. The charm of these lax drink restrictions wore out after about the tenth spilled drink on my remarkably ironic Acapulco shirt (which was also remarkably absorbent). Other than the always-transcendent Gogol Bordello, no performances really stuck out. I have vague recollections of STS9 being recommended to me by some Vegoose-savvy stranger, and I was pleasantly underwhelmed by them. It is an increasingly rare thing to find a band that still makes an effort to bring the energy of a crowd up while chasing their own tail with impossibly high conceptual aspirations. Kudos.

I was relieved when 4:45pm rolled around and I could sequester myself to the press area for my interview with Josh Homme. It went better than I expected, and I seized the opportunity to write some thoughts down. Blonde Redhead sat at the table next to me, and I played with Amedeo Pace’s pet Papillon while they did an interview with a hapless internet radio DJ.
Josh Homme is everything a rock star should be. He stands 6’5” tall and offers at least two hellos and goodbyes to everyone he meets. I steel myself with the knowledge that he is legally barred from carrying a weapon after an incident involving a beer bottle and the deserving skull of Blag Dahlia, frontman for the repetitive scatpunk band The Dwarves. Josh lights a cigarette before offering a second handshake and asking me how my day was. I ‘fess up to the hangover and he commiserates. “This is the first day in a while that I’m not.” A staff member comes over and informs him that he is not allowed to smoke in this room, nor is he allowed to smoke in any building on the grounds. Her frustration is palpable. Homme puts the cigarette out on his shoe and admits that he knew it wasn’t allowed and that he’d be harassed, but he figured he’d make them put in the effort to come and stop him. He speaks in proverbs. “We don’t try to be hip, we just try to shake hip.” He is tight-lipped about the upcoming Desert Sessions album, simply because there isn’t anything to say other than it’s happening. He says a new Eagles of Death Metal album is planned, and the title will have something to do with the phrase “Heart-on.” He also says he doesn’t have a setlist made for the night’s QOTSA performance. About a thousand terrible and childish questions enter my head and I feel an intense pride as I vocalize none of them. We shoot shit about drinking and rocking and generally positive bullshit that’s not worth reading.

Later, at the Queens’ performance, with my medicine salvo operating at full strength, I sit between the crowd barriers in the photo pit awash in rock. If there’s a glimmer of hope for modern rock music not made by computers for smarmy teenagers with too many feelings, it is Queens of the Stone Age. They are a living history lesson in the rich legacy of all the rocking that has been, and a testament to where it could go.

If there’s one inalienable clue that Vegoose audiences are, in large numbers, drunken automatons, it was the relatively light crowds for Iggy Pop & The Stooges. I guess it’s not particularly surprising considering the unsung nature of the Stooge’s Proto-punk bloodbath in the late 1960s/early 1970s. In a strange way, The Stooges’ aesthetic was pervasive throughout the festival, albeit in a strange mutation wherein the masses were all too happy to dress up in the most outrageous outfit possible and get wasted, but with the firm contention that nobody would have to get messy and we’d all go back to our window offices on monday. Something would have to cleanse my palate of all of this. Daft Punk.

If there’s anything more universal than a love of light shows, I have yet to find it. A screen flashed in red, and black words the size of monsters appeared and proclaimed such gems of affection as “HUMAN,” “TOUCH,” and “FUCK.” The crowd was immense. In any direction you could look, there was madness. The kind of cheap madness you can get in your own home, admittedly, but still impressive on such an enormous scale. Even in such a densely packed field of open eyes, we all danced like we were invisible. We sang like we were inaudible, and we probably were. Consider the implausability of it all, a desert in a vast realm of deserts, stuffed to the brim with electricity, music, dancing, and happiness. This was the ecstasy oasis. And just as quickly as it began, it ended. A mass exodus of mooing began, and the party continued in the parking lot fueled by entrepreneurial beer vendors.

Some strange convergence of dental assistant conventions and family reunions had sold out every semi-respectable hotel, motel, and campground in a 20-mile radius of the stadium, but luckily a kind innkeeper took some minimal amount of pity on me and offered to give us one of his hourly rooms (usually reserved for prostitutes, junkies, and unfaithful businessmen) for the night. I slept on the floor, unwilling to risk sleeping on whatever was living in the bed.

The second day was all about Rage. The hordes of troglodytic zealots showed up in force, in stunning tribute to everything that Che Guevara devotees hated about Rage Against The Machine. The revolution may not be televised, but there’s a strong chance that if it happens in Vegas it will be inebriated and shirtless. There was only one escape from the horror of these pooka-shell benecklaced dolts. I began drinking early. At the mock sports bar where I was sitting and testing the bartender’s knowledge of rum-based drinks, Ghostland Observatory and Robert Randolph both filtered in through the canvas walls in equal volume. The resulting mash-up, I assert, sounded something like Ratatat and Bocephus fucking. Something about this reminded me of war journalism, sitting in an unpopular bar waxing philosophically about the loud noises shaking the tent walls. “I’m sorry, Reggie,” my speech slurred when I addressed the bartender. “But I think I’ve still got another tour of duty left to serve out there.” And off I wandered, in search of a battle that could use a writer.

Infected Mushroom proved to be the surprise of the weekend. What I had expected to be uninteresting and heavy, ended up being engaging and energetic. What could have easily been accomplished with one man behind a set of keyboards was knocked out of the park by a crew of four absolutely stellar musicians. Not since the Basement Jaxx have I seen an electronic act that was so involved in making a live show (that was entirely independent of laser lights). Even the singer, who was left to repeat himself over and over again (since trance songs tend to have repetitive vocal samples), sold it to the crowd. He must have used the phrase “I’m deeply disturbed, and I’m deeply unhappy” a hundred times, and I believed every one of them. If I were a lesser writer, I would say something like: They really got the crowd going with their uptempo electronica. But I think it’d be a much more accurate hyperbole to say they caused two car accidents out in the parking lot as stunned concert-goers attempted to drive the band’s fabled cities of the future. Suffice to say, if you’ve never heard an Israeli trance band (they’re certainly my first), this would be a good place to start.

Rage Against The Machine was fun for about 3 songs. The anticipation was palpable, as a large portion of the crowd had never seen them live before. Cheers went out whenever anything happened on stage, only to flounder in the band’s tardiness in taking the stage. The jubilation was immediate and furious. Beers went flying, and lyrics were screamed at bloodcurdling volume. At the end of the first 3 songs, the air was wet with perspiration and alcohol and the crowd was giddy on an almost violent level. Every song afterward I moved 30 yards back, hoping to find a balance between a good view and a chill crowd. I never did. At 10:30pm, thoroughly drenched in other people’s excitement, I wandered back to the car. My companion, who had been so eager to boast his driving prowess, quickly began to succumb to sleep, and I took over the wheel. This was a weekend to remember, that was certain, even if it wasn’t entirely for positive reasons. About an hour later I felt my own sleepiness creep up, and reached into the backseat for a near-lethal dose of caffeine. I sucked the 24 ounces of Rockstar energy drink quickly, barely stopping to breathe.
We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the caffeine began to take hold.

Vol. III will be here just as soon as I write something for the newspaper again.

Union Copy/Paste Vol. I

2008-03-06T20:43:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's something I already wrote! Assuming some of you don't get a chance to pick up the CSULB Student Newspaper every week, here's a big CTRL-C (or Command-C or Apple-C, we don't discriminate) for y'all to wrap yo' brains around. This particular piece had everything and nothing to do with the grammys, since it was written before they took place and published afterward. Basically it's me doing what I love to do: Insult recording artists with all available gusto.

Hope ya hate it:

In case you couldn’t slake your hunger for trumped-up musical tripe with VH1 and Alternative Press, the Grammys were on Sunday. I’m writing this before they’ve happened, of course, but it really doesn’t matter who won. In fact, the only person who probably gives a shit about these little golden disappointments is Kanye West. What does matter is the gesture of avoidance that we make in ignoring this rock ‘n rollin’ circle jerk. So, as is my yearly prerogative, I will now insult the Grammy nominees.

Amy Winehouse: There’s something inspirationally fucked-up about Amy winning an award for a song about ducking treatment for her unrelenting drug abuse problem. Thousands of obituary editors wait with bated breath in order to finalize that last final detail: “Grammy-nominated songstress suffers fatal overdose,” or “Grammy-winning songstress suffers fatal overdose?”

Foo Fighters: Dave Grohl lives two lives. In one, he plays the drums, comes up with off-the-wall projects like Probot, and makes positive contributions to the world of music. In the other, he fronts the Foo Fighters and shits on my heart. If Kurt Cobain were alive today, there wouldn’t be enough shotgun shells on earth to satisfy his suicidal urges.

Paramore: This band is what’s wrong with music. A spunky retread of the clip-on pop-punk that Avril Lavigne was posing up years ago, Paramore is youthful rebellion marketed to people too boring for the real thing and too dumb to know the difference. And if the hair dye and homeroom power-pop weren’t bad enough, the band appears to be entirely incapable of stopping themselves from namechecking bands they have nothing to do with. Failure? Chicago? Why not just toss in Gershwin and Mozart while we’re at it? If you find this band enjoyable, please grow the fuck up.

Evanescence: As the Paramore of yesteryear, Evanescence’s recent tailspin toward insignificance puts a big sadistic smile on my face. Who knew that the twofold enticement of a pretty girl singing over nu-metal would have such a short shelf life? Or that 14-year-olds would one day tire of the mall-goth chic that once ruled their T-shirt selection?

Daughtry: As the line between rock and country continues to blur, so too does the line between popularity and garbage. Daughtry is a band forged by record industry persuasion and reality television; a modern day Monkees if you will. Frontman Chris Daughtry was famously on American Idol, although it should also be noted that the rest of the band has made sporadic appearances on COPS, The People’s Court and Locker Room Logjam 17.

The Arcade Fire: Wait, wha?

Nickelback: Puzzling though it may be that Nickelback has earned a Grammy nomination off of a special edition release of an album that came out only two years earlier, I think that the real issue goes much deeper. That album, as unilaterally boring as it is, has sold 9 million copies. So as much as Nickelback sucks, you have only to look deep within yourself to find the suck that is above all other sucks.

Michael Bublé: I can’t speak to his music, but I’ve always been a fan of his bath foam.

50 Cent: If it’s confirmed that Fitty used steroids, will they take his Grammy away? To be honest, I thought it was suspicious that his rhymes had increased so rapidly in physical strength and bulk. You can imagine how surprised I’d be to discover that that swollen head of his wasn’t just arrogance. Get buff or become infertile tryin’, y’all.

Feist: I actually feel bad for Feist. She’s locked in an award category with Amy Winehouse, Christina Aguilera, Nelly Furtado, and Fergie. Even a cursory comparison to those four is pretty degrading. And I heard that being that close to Fergie was how Macy Gray got crabs.

Best Metal Performance: Say what you will, my money’s on titanium. Ruthenium’s simply not at that level yet.

Vol: II, The Vegoose Chronicle, coming soon.

Creatine Vs. Evolutine

2008-03-06T19:50:00.000-08:00

I've been taking Creatine lately now that i'm exercising and all that bullshit.
Apparently it may or may not help me work out more efficiently, but it definitely makes me look more muscular.

Because it makes the muscles retain more water!

Normal people might find that to be kind of a gyp, but it suits me just fine. Who wants to endure the hassle to be muscular when you can just appear muscular? It's like wearing water-wings under your skin!

Dream... fulfilled!

Also, I've officially jumped back on the "Third Party and Proud" bandwagon. Fuck Democrats. Fuck Republicans. Call it apathy if you have to, but at least i've given adequate pause to that stark realization that there is no light at the end of the electoral tunnel.

It reminds me of that line in waking life: "Which is the more universal human emotion, fear or laziness?"

It also reminds me that you should always assume the government is out to fuck you over, so then you'll be pleasantly surprised when it chooses not to.

This has nothing to do with music. Tsk.

P.S. I listened, without any sense of obligation, to the Postal Service record again after writing that last post. That's good shit right there. Makes me want to go be young and make mistakes.

NEW POSTAL SERVICE ALBUM

2008-03-03T21:51:00.000-08:00

...is never happening. ever.

Seriously, they're done. No joke.

Now go soothe yourself by listening to Give Up over and over.
You know you want to.

(So basically the news that started this was that even though they began work on a new release in Summer '06, Ben Gibbard and Jimmy Tamborello have both stated that they're going in other directions and that the project is not a priority for either of them. That means that we'll see them tour on the old record before you ever hear a single thing off of a new record.)

Ahh, memories. Semi-morbid, post-high-school-pre-college memories.

2 Albums, 1 Date (Now With Videos!)

2008-03-03T11:30:00.000-08:00

Foals - Antidotes
"You got your Dance-punk in my Math-rock! You got your Math-rock in my Dance-punk! I'm Officer Foals, what's going on here?" Hahaha, Family Guy, get it? Oh that Peter Griffin, he's so fat.

"Hummer" isn't actually on the album, but I love it anyways. It's a good primer to Foals.

Does It Offend You, Yeah? - You Have No Idea What You're Getting Into
I Like Live Dance Bands. There, i said it. Now chew on this live performance!

Gotta love that weird Scottish dude in the intro.

March 24
mark your calendars.

Some Coachella Stuff, Some Other Stuff

2008-02-26T22:35:00.000-08:00

So I now have the master press contact list for Coachella, which is awesome. It's got all the press info for every artist big and small and so now I can start harassing them for interviews. I also got a hotel booked, so no more sleeping on top of a borrowed tent that just so happens to lack poles. Although, when I look back, that was a pretty rocking time for Kobane and I. Just some good old fashioned skin-o-the-teeth adventurin'. But this time we'll be pretending to be professional, so we'll need to be able to rest and write/upload photos.

The Plastiscines, who will be at Coachella, are very pretty.

See what I mean? I'm really hoping that they speak capable english, because I really want an interview.

I'm thinking of doing an interview for every nation represented at Coachella. Here's the tentative list:
Canada: Stars
England: Does It Offend You Yeah?
Scotland: Calvin Johnson
Ireland: Flogging Molly
France: The Plastiscines
Germany: Boys Noize
Iceland: Mum
Sweden: I'm From Barcelona
Mexico: Austin TV
Australia: Midnight Juggernauts
Ukraine: Gogol Bordello
Brazil: Bondo De Role
Norway: 120 Days

The Swell Season is from the Czech Republic (but live in Ireland) but they're not doing any press.

Oh, and I found this surfing for photos of SFA (that event at the beauty bar I'm trying to go to). It's pics from that gossip show that I sold out at.

There's more, but why would you want to look at any pictures without me in them?

Also... New Murder By Death is always a good thing. I'm not going to say for a fact that i've gotten a digital copy and deem it to be probably the best record they've done yet, but I will say that it's their best album yet and i'm so buying it on march 4th despite the digital copy I may or mayn't already have listened to. March 4th!

Just check these lyrics from songmeanings:
I had jade colored eyes that shimmered in the sun,
if you stared at them too long,
you'd catch a glimpse of what I've done.
The faces of the damned,
and all the butchered lambs...
If I had to do it over,
I just woulda done it slower.

When we meet, you will see;
I will destroy everything of beauty.
When we meet then you'll know;
I'll be the axe that clears the forest.

He makes Colin Meloy look like Scott Stapp. But like a virginal Scott Stapp.

In before flame!

A Few Points Of Business

2008-02-20T21:51:00.000-08:00

First off, some may have noticed that I've been gettin' into some more electronic music lately, and it has quite a bit to do with my new found interest in making electronic music. It's currently on hold until I can get a proper laptop, which will be when the dirty bitches down at Apple finally get around to making a proper notebook update (fuck the air, daddy needs a Pro strength laptop) i'll begin. Then hopefully i'll have more shit to post, like DJ mixes and gigs. s'word.

Anyways, If you want some semi-challenging, very funky electronic mixes to put on at your party, banggangpodcast.com would be a great place to start. Anything Bag Raiders does pretty much has my seal of approval.

Also, if you're not into Does It Offend You, Yeah? yet, you're way behind already.

Another plug: Villains

Last one, for real, i'm going to this:

should be fun. If you're 21 and like free dance parties with free alcoholic energy beverages that taste sort of like Lik-M-Aid, perhaps you should join. Due to it being in L.A., a caravan is forming now for the March 3rd Kill The Noise edition of Still Fucking Awesome.

In other biz, I went to St. Vincent and she was great. And not just cause she's really pretty.

Zooey Deschanel is in a band now. And it sounds nice.

I'm still waiting to be put up as official associate editor for Ground Control. any day now.

This week the Union Weekly undergoes drastic changes. It's gonna be hard work, wish us all luck.

And hey, if anyone wants to come over to my new place and see it I'd be more than happy to accomodate you for a mini-dini party. We can have some food and/or drinks and then marvel at the vacuousness of my furniture-less existence.

Accidentally sold out. And purposefully moved in.

2008-02-13T20:50:00.000-08:00

I managed to be filmed for MTV last night. Complete accident.

I went to a secret show for the Gossip, a band I enjoy but also take great pleasure in assaulting with insult. I had actually been more psyched for Mika Miko, an adorably hip 5-piece all-girl fun-punk band that i've written more than once about for the LA Rec. Chris Z. can't get enough of those ladies. Neither can I.

ANYWAYS... I went to The Smell, a hole in the wall downtown in a terrifying neighborhood that definitely lives up to it's name, and got in for free by namedropping the Record and Michelle Suarez (the guitarist for Mika Miko). As soon as I walked in I was assaulted with noise that I assumed immediately was just the remnant sound of a DIY-noise group off in the distance. Nope. It was the remnant noise of a guy onstage making earsplitting noise. No exaggeration whatsoever, he had a box with knobs and plugs and it JUST MADE NOISE. No rhythms, no melodies, no notes at all. the squealing of a box, programmed to hate. The strange thing was that people seemed genuinely interested in this. Somehow I had stumbled into Plato's cave, and it was breaking my eardrums.

I should mention at this point that I kept my jacket on since I was afraid to leave it or anything else of value in my car. I was parked in the only lot left open and it was completely unattended, so i wasn't going to risk a wallet full of cash or a nice coat to the few savages I saw out and about.

Panther was the next band on, and I actually had fun listening to them. Despite constant sound problems and a few song-ending fuckups, they kept their spirits up and grooved rather hard. I should also mention I was trying not to stare at Gossip drummer Hannah Blilie (also the twin sister of Blood Brothers' vocalist Jordan Blilie, there was a very obvious resemblance) who just looks really fucking cool.

Mika Miko is really too damn fun to be as local and approachable as they are. I say approachable in the figurative sense, because i'm certainly not about to approach them (what the fuck would I say?). Anyways, they put on a hell of a show. A helluva show. I don't suggest listening to recordings of them, because they always put the guitars too low. But in a live setting, the shit gets hectic. wicked hectic.

On a related note, an old man with a hideous toupee (the thing covered his ears) came into the office today to give us a copy of the Union that he had scribbled on. He scribbled next to the staff box, with arrows pointing to six editors' names, "ALL OF YOU MUST STOP YOUR HORRIBLE MIND POLLUTING NEWS WITH FILTHY WORDS!!!!!!" And "REPORT WITH UNFILTHY RESPECTFUL LANGUAGE!" and then some bible shit. Also, Miles came up with a character called Retarded Mayor and it made me laugh all day. Seriously, fuckin' retarded mayor. too good.

So then, as the Gossip was setting up, I noticed someone with a huge camera. Huge as in two people must operate it. Hmm.. I thought. Maybe they're doing a live DVD or some extras for a new record. And then a man with one of those movie snap things jumped up on the stage. the snap thing said "MTV 52 Bands The Gossip/The Smell" and that's when I knew I was probably going to be on MTV.

The camera was pretty much all up in my christmas for the whole show. I was front and center and more than once found myself bumping into this thing. For some reason I felt obligated to rock harder than normal since it was on camera and I can safely say I left it all at the gig. I was a sweaty, moshed out pulp of kid afterwards. And it was super-cool. I did all the usual front-row fan stuff, including shouting the lyrics into the face of the singer and staring in awe when appropriate. I'm SO gonna be on MTV. You just wait.

Anyways, here's some photos of my new place, any y'all are welcome to come over for mini-housewarmings; since I won't be having a regular housewarming and there's no place for that many people to sit.

EDIT: Look close in that last photo. Yeah, that's the ocean. And i've just got like a ton of ocean. check it:

View Larger Map

The final nail in the MacBook Air coffin.

2008-01-24T08:43:00.000-08:00

John Mayer has one.

I can has Macbook Pro Update now?

You did well, Heath. Really well.

2008-01-23T13:23:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had a tooth pulled. It's the first time i've ever had a tooth pulled, and I was reminded of my friend Victoria who told me that dreaming about losing a tooth is supposedly a sign that someone is going to die. Sure enough, as I waited groggily in the lobby for Vince and Science to come pick me up, the news of Heath Ledger's passing roared out of the tiny lobby television.

I'm not a big fan of eulogies, especially for people who I really didn't know. I certainly couldn't compose anything definitive about Ledger, and so I won't try. But in the ensuing coverage, I learned some things about him that I think are important to celebrate.

I noticed that he had been prescribed Diazepam (Valium) AND Alprazolam (Xanax). That indicates a very severe anxiety problem, which could be crippling given his chosen profession. To excel at such a thing as acting while carrying such a social burden is a testament to his strength.

And he was by all indications an amazing father. I read that he and his ex Michelle Williams went so far as to create identical bedrooms in each of their houses so that their daughter wouldn't feel displaced.

I don't know. Now i'm starting to feel silly. So i'll just sing a song and call it square. This one's for you, Heath.

Red wine and sleeping pills
Help me get back to your arms
Cheap sex and sad films
Help me get where I belong

I think you're crazy, maybe
I think you're crazy, maybe

Stop sending letters
Letters always get burned
It's not like the movies
They fed us on little white lies

I think you're crazy, maybe
I think you're crazy, maybe

I will see you in the next life

"Motion Picture Soundtrack" -Radiohead

Coachella Lineup announced!

2008-01-22T09:08:00.000-08:00

FRIDAY, APRIL 25: Jack Johnson, The Verve, Raconteurs, The Breeders, Fatboy Slim, Tegan and Sara, Madness, The Swell Season, The National, Animal Collective, Slightly Stoopid, Mum, Sharon Jones & the Dap Kings, Stars, Battles, Aesop Rock, Midnight Juggernauts, Does it Offend you, Yeah?, Minus the Bear, Spank Rock, dan le sac Vs Scroobius Pip, Diplo, Adam Freeland, Santo Gold, Jens Lekman, John Butler Trio, Vampire Weekend, Dan Deacon, Architecture in Helsinki, Sandra Collins, Busy P, Cut Copy, Black Lips, Datarock, Professor Murder, Reverend and the Makers, The Bees, Porter, Rogue Wave, Modeselektor, American Bang, Lucky I Am.

SATURDAY, APRIL 26: Portishead, Kraftwerk, Death Cab for Cutie, Cafe Tacuba, Sasha & Digweed, Rilo Kiley, Dwight Yoakam, M.I.A., Hot Chip, Cold War Kids, Stephen Malkmus & the Jicks, DeVotchKa, Flogging Molly, Mark Ronson, Turbonegro, Scars on Broadway, Islands, Enter Shikari, Calvin Harris, Boyz Noize, Junkie XL, Cinematic Orchestra, Jamie T, The Teenagers, VHS or Beta, Carbon/silicon, Erol Alkan, Yo Majesty!, Little Brother, Bonde Do Role, St. Vincent, Akron Family, MGMT, Institubes DJs (Surkin, Para One and Orgasmic), James Zabiela, Sebastian, Kavinsky, Dredg, The Bird and the Bee, Grand Ole Party, New Young Pony Club, 120 Days, Yoav, Electric Touch, Uffie

SUNDAY, APRIL 27: Roger Waters (performing “Dark Side of the Moon”), Love & Rockets, My Morning Jacket, Spiritualized, Justice, Gogol Bordello, Chromeo, The Streets, Metric, Danny Tenaglia, Simian Mobile Disco, Booka Shade, Murs, Dmitri from Paris, Autolux, The Field, Linton Kwesi Johnson, Les Savy Fav, The Cool Kids, Sons & Daughters, Sia, Holy Fuck, Black Kids, Black Mountain, The Annuals, Kid Sister w/A-Trak, Man Man, Duffy, I'm from Barcelona, Manchester Orchestra, Deadmau5, The Horrors, Austin TV, Shout Out Louds, Plastiscines, Brett Dennen

(Ones i'm really excited about in bold)

So while I was trying to hear the lineup from the coachella forum yesterday I was surprised by the quite one-dimensionally negative opinions about the festival and more specifically the headliners. But to be honest, I hate it when there's a big headliner. And here's why:

1) Big headliner means enormous crowds devoted to that one band wandering around ruining other shows. case in point: RATM fans were smelly, obnoxious kids who try to start mosh pits at every show they see. Let's not talk about Tool fans.

2) Unless you plan your whole day around waiting for the headliner, you'll never be close enough to enjoy the show. Thus you have to miss at least 3 good side acts to see one headliner.

3) Headliner crowds are vast and thick. You will be molested an average 2.7 times per second while rocking out to your beloved headlining act.

So it's very fair to say I won't miss trying to wade through a quarter-mile of concert-goer masses to try and peer over another quarter-mile to see a band I've convinced myself that I like enough to endure all of it. I'll wander around to different undercard acts all day like a kid in an ear-candy store and marvel at the complete lack of Weezer fans. I'm hoping to compile a list of the bands' myspace pages and youtube links, but that'll be a little more work. Look forward to it in the next couple days. For now, let's just bask in the glow of this announcement.

Apple Hates Me. Stop Hating Me, Apple.

2008-01-15T11:10:00.000-08:00

So I got up early today (9am) to watch S-Jobs slap on his fancy blue jeans and black shirt and tell me nothing I wanted to hear. Let's review:

Time Capsule: They took the cord off of the external hard drive. Somehow my world remains unshaken.

iTunes: Renting videos! I'm seeing some utility here, and i'm piqued. I'm also seeing a bit of desperation from the Apple TV camp (Please, folks, go buy one. I don't want next year's keynote to have to sell this thing again). My world is getting arrogant in its unshakability.

iPhone: New stuff! New, not-particularly-interesting stuff! Stocks! Maps! Everything you could've gotten in a Helio and/or Blackberry! On an Apple product! My world is taking a nap.

and then... out of nowhere:

MacBook Air!!! ...I've composed a poem for this little slice of hardware:

Shall I compare thee to an old MacBook?

Thou art slower, and more expensive;

thin frame doth shake the old comp's hook

and leaves consumers awed and pensive,

Sometime they might enjoy CD's to hear,

or watch a DVD of Good Luck Chuck,

but Air cannot contain the discs so near

and begs you spend an extra hundred bucks.

The screen, she calls like siren for your touch

to pinch, rotate, and move with just a swipe

but still the fingers kiss cannot do much

and forced am I to sit alone and gripe.

For ne'er was I in more reluctant woe,

than waiting for a newer MacBook Pro.

Well now I have to go.

2008-01-10T16:22:00.000-08:00

Dredg is going to be at Coachella.

Which means I will be too.

Also, Austin TV is crazy.

In fake news, here's a fake coachella lineup:

Cool colors, huh? Okay, so here's why this is fake:
1) Dredg is in all caps. They would take issue with that.
2) It's "Blitzen Trapper," not "Blitzen Trappers."
3) If Liam Sullivan we're going to do a Kelly show ("Shoes" and "Borrow That Top"), he would list the show, and has previously done so at Detour Fest, simply as 'Kelly.'
4) I'm assuming Comedians Of Comedy will be at Coachella, and they're not listed.
5) Third Eye Blind is listed, and my nostalgia-powered rocketship still sits dormant on the launchpad.

P.S. God I wish it were real.

Coachella Rumors: Dupree Edish'

2007-12-29T12:25:00.000-08:00

http://avoision.blogspot.com/ (that's a plug)

This guy's keepin' fairly good tabs on the REAL rumors and confirmations, so I thought i'd give you some speculation from my famously awful perspective. in sections...

Headliners which will never happen in a million years, but are still required entrances on the rumor season:
The Smiths

David Bowie

At The Drive-In (this year's big reunion, we swear!) ed. note: this one gets me in such a homicidal mood.

Led Zeppelin

Smashing Pumpkins

Pulp

Bands which better be there or i'ma hav'ta kick somebody's scrotum:

St. Vincent

Asobi Seksu

UNKLE

Foals

Liars

Queens Of The Stone Age

Eagles Of Death Metal

Black Ghosts

Matt And Kim

Basement Jaxx

Kenna

Buck 65

Sage Francis

PJ Harvey

The Ting-Tings (aka The "That's Not My Name" band)

Stars

Feist

Metric

Broken Social Scene (including, ahem, satellite members from Stars, Feist, and Metric)

something involving Dan "The Automator" Nakamura or Danger Mouse

Bangers & Cash/Spank Rock/Amanda Blank

No less than a handful of uber-hip DJ's from Paris and/or Los Angeles

Things that would be so ridiculously awesome because you could watch and wait for something terrible to happen:

Britney Spears

Amy Winehouse

those escaped tigers

Fairly Unheard Bands that totally deserve the opportunity:

Blood Red Shoes (imagine the white stripes switched instruments and they both got more attractive and English and then started playing garage-dance rock.)

Does It Offend You, Yeah? (DFA1979 energy and electro-rock backup. This would go great at the last party ever)

Le Loup (The Knife + Menomena)

Evangelicals (if you wanted to know what the Pixies sound like on drugs without having to take drugs, they've got you covered)

Dead Confederate (Passionate, Dirty, and vaguely southern; that's a winning formula)

Oh-So-Hip Bands I will Oh-So-Avoid if they're at Coachella:

Yeasayer

Arctic Klaxon Chiefs (The only band of the new brit crop I ever liked was the Kooks)

Sam Champion

A Place To Bury Strangers (no kool-aid for me thanks)

Battles

Beirut (honestly...?)

Animal Collective (Strawberry Jam was AMAZING for like 2 minutes, a span of time I will be happy to miss out on)

Of Montreal (seriously, I don't care how many cell-phone commercials you put that kool-aid on, i'm still not gonna drink it. Just look at it!)

Bands which will be inexplicably invited to play, to the dismay of most concert-goers:

Paramore (requisite Warped Tour band with delusions of revelance)

Plain White T's (requisite Bro-pleaser)

John Mayer (requisite effeminate male balladier whose first name begins with a J)

Tiesto (requisite tacky trance-god)

Maroon 5 (requisite big name pop act trying to score cred)

Perry Farrell (he may just have to form an even newer band for the fest)

Shadows Fall (Requisite "too heavy for a desert afternoon" act)

Dwight Yoakam (requisite country band... confirmed!)

Bands Which Would Be Amazing Additions But Have Been Overlooked Because Goldenvoice Has A Childish Fear Of The English Language:

Holy Fuck

Now I know that this has been pretty negative, so i'd like to say something positive: I no longer dislike the Decemberists (on the whole). In fact, I'd go so far as to say I like every one of them but Colin Meloy, whom I hate because of his stupid Professor Frink voice modulations. If someone could please tell him to stop, i'd appreciate it. I'd also appreciate the Decembos much more.

An Overdue Overanalysis: Ay Bay Bay

2007-12-26T17:45:00.000-08:00

Not here, mind you, but:

http://www.groundcontrolmag.com/detail/1/753/

Google PageRank goes crazy when you duplicate content, so I won't paste it here.

Suffice to say, I tried to analyze "Ay Bay Bay" and actually got a little bit angry toward the end of it. This one definitely got past my normally impregnable sense of journalistic detachment to the point that I really just wanted the song to be over. Normally I can suss something, anything, out to discuss or pontificate, but this song is just really asinine.

I still got some jokes in though, so head on over and check it out.

Also, as far as the inactivity on this blog is concerned, stay tuned. It looks like soon i'll either continue blogging in earnest, or switch to something even more magnawesomous.

Hey Look! Overanalysis!

2007-08-18T22:14:00.000-07:00

Faithful readers of the blog will recall a time in which I mentioned the Shop Boyz song “Party Like A Rock Star” as a possible target for Overanalysis. However, I was fairly certain that the seeming inanity of the song was actually a feign hiding a secret and oh-so-deep meaning. Today I shall slay this beast. I’m confident now that I have uncovered every secret and deciphered every code. So without further ado…

Today’s Overanalysis:
“Party Like A Rock Star” by The Shop Boyz

Party like a rock, party like a rockstar!
Party like a rock, party like a rockstar!
Party like a rock, party like a rockstar!
Party like a rockstar, tut-tut-tut-totally dude!

I know some of you literazis out there have got some sand in your vajayjay about that line “Party like a rock.” Well nobody had any complaints when Bob Seger wrote “Like A Rock,” and that had worse and more numerous rock-related similes. And besides, what you see above is a typo. They’re really saying “Party Like Iraq,” which is pretty much the only way to party in a more destructive and perpetual manner than a rock star.

Im on a moneymaking mission, but I party like a rockstar

Is partying his curse, or is it a necessary externality in his mission to make that money? Let’s examine.

Im flyin down 20, lookin good in my hot car

It’s clear he’s concerned with his appearance as he pulls this stunt. This demonstrates that his wild behavior is more of a show than anything.

You know them hoe be at my show, grabbin where my chain go,
Im tryna grab hold of my pants, but these hoes wont let my thang go,

Heartbreaking. A man on a stage, losing his dignity to women he can neither love nor be loved by. Such is the performer’s dilemma. To be a voice, but still simply an object.

I do it like i do it, cuz you know them hoes bein tryin
oh dont you know i fuck with fine dimes that look like pamela,

Clearly a defense mechanism, the singer displaces his fear of objectification by sleeping with women who look like Pamela Anderson so as to verify his own sense of persona.

they fine and they hot bruh, when im in the spot bruh, yuh, yuh,
I party like a rockstar!

I can only assume that the “spot” is inebriation, which is to say “They’re hot when I’m drunk.” Thus I assert that the partying is a self-destructive act lashing out at his feelings of social disconnect.

Party like a rock, party like a rockstar!
Party like a rock, party like a rockstar!
Party like a rock, party like a rockstar!
Party like a rockstar, tut-tut-tut-totally dude!

Ha! Ha! Party like a rockstar
Do it with the black n the white like a cop car,

Does anything bring together the races as amicably as partying? I don’t think so. This speaker is uniting people of all races under a common banner of shaking what their mothers gave them.

Me & my band man, on a yacht wit marilyn manson gettin a tan man,

I doubt this happened, but I would love to see it. Manson? On a yacht? Sunbathing? With rappers? It’s just so ridiculous it could work.

You know me, with a skull belt, and wallet chain,
Shop Boyz rock stars, yeah we ‘bout to change the game,

If they’re insisting that the rap rock cross-over game is a new invention, I think Run-DMC would like a chance to rebut. And as far as skull belts and wallet chains, I’m pretty sure Pharrell was rocking that years ago. And he didn’t sing about it either.

Change the game? they know that imma star,
imma star, imma make it rain from the center of my guitar!

Listen up, people, because I know some people are gonna harsh on this last line. Let’s just face the fact that some musical subcultures are better at some idioms than others. For instance, most blue-grass bands would have a very difficult time describing sick rhymes and dope beats. And likewise, these rappers have just unleashed the shittiest metaphor for shredding ever uttered. Rain? Really?

Yaaaaa!
Party like a rock, party like a rockstar!
Party like a rock, party like a rockstar!
Party like a rock, party like a rockstar!
Party like a rockstar, tut-tut-tut-totally dude!

A quick word about the “Totally dude” line. Some have speculated that this song mocks rock music’s accouterments and others suggest that it pays homage to them instead. I can see how both would work here. “Totally Dude” is probably the most laughable phrase ever uttered and the Shop Boyz would be right to mock it, but then if it’s meant as homage it would be a very humble gesture to repeat (with admiration) such a silly line.

As soon I came out the womb, my momma knew a star was born
Now Im on a golf course, trippin with the Osbournes

The new acid test for stardom: Are you now, or have you ever taken drugs on a golf course with the Osbournes?

I seen a show with Travis Barker, rockstar mentality,
Im jumpin in the crowd, just to see if they would carry me,

Another example of these rappers’ inexperience with rock. For instance, it’s totally NOT rockin’ to watch that Travis Barker show. That guy’s been hitting every branch of the rockin’ tree on his way down and he’s not showing any signs of stopping. Let us pause on the beautiful mystery of that second sentence for a moment. Assuming the crowd is a rock crowd, will they accept a rapper as their own and indulge him in one of rock music’s most kickin’ concert behavior? Or is it a hip-hop crowd, and the test is whether the audience will embrace the rock concert attitude?

white bitches wanna marry me, they see me they jus might panic,

Listen guys, I can’t stress this enough: If your presence sends a woman into a panic, it does not mean she wants to get married. She’s probably more interested in getting a restraining order.

my ice make em go down quick, like the titanic,

Too soon, Shop Boyz. Too soon.

ya im with the shop boyz, you know what we do,
im surfin screamin cowabunga, totally dude!

Apparently, what they “do” is spout off totally tubular Ninja Turtles lines. Oooh, shell-shocked!

On a musical note, if you’ve decided to set your rap group apart by using (and mentioning) guitars, you should probably play something more intrepid than an 8 note beginner’s riff. Because unless your target audience has never before heard an electric guitar, they’re going to notice that you suck at electric guitar. Because you do. And for all that effort, you can just go back to square waves and handclaps and the track will be just as clubworthy.

Some Quick Recommendations

2007-08-16T14:05:00.000-07:00

So i'm hardly at work right now but I figured with all the lack of real content on this blog that it was long overdue for something, anything, to keep your musical musings directed. So here's 5 albums that are currently ruining my life with how great they are.

1. Neon Horse, Neon Horse: I was all obsessed with the video for the single "Cuckoo" and i'm afraid that my obsession has only grown after listening to the rest of the album. It's got a really expansive vocal style palette and the guitars are everything I love about Stoner Rock. It's got that beautifully mysterious quality that seems to have vanished from modern music with just a taste of pastoral, apocalyptic, and melodramatic tones.

2. St. Vincent, Marry Me: St. Vincent is a female singer-songwriter who completely validates the very tired genre of female singer-songwriters. Her vocals are outrageously beautiful (nothing new there) but she's not afraid to use them to say things that are spiteful, dreary, or downright ugly. The title track is a great example, as its opening line "Marry Me John, I'll be so good to you." is thrown completely for a loop by the following line "You won't realize i'm gone." And although the apocalyptic cabaret song seems to grow in popularity every month, St. vincent's "Paris Is Burning" ranks as my favorite simply because of its unwinking deadpan sweetness.

3. Stars, In Our Bedroom After The War: Stars is one of the few bands making pop records that I enjoy. Now I know some of you may think that if they aren't on the top 40 they aren't pop music, or that if it's not shallow and bubblegum it can't be pop music, but you'd be wrong on both counts. In fact, when I interviewed their bassist Evan, he called their second album a pop record. So ha. Anyways, Stars writes love songs deeper than anybody. Take for example "Personal" a modern love track about internet romance which plays on the different insecurities of both parties through the narrative style of an email conversation. It helps immensely that Stars has two more-than-capable singers, Torq Campbell and Amy Millan, so they can sing both sides of a romantic tale. Torq does the lion's share of the vocals, and he proves why on songs like "Life 2: The Unhappy Ending," and "Barricade," which feature him almost perfectly describing emotions with his timbre.

4. Rocky Votolato, The Brag & Cuss: Okay, I have to admit I haven't given this a full listen. But Rocky Votolato is incapable of writing a bad song in my opinion. He has 2 great solo albums and 1 album with Waxwing as guarantors and everything i've heard so far from Brag has been heartstopping. If you like country-tinged (the old kind of country, the good stuff) folk love songs, you need Rocky. Also, if you like electrifying punk rock guitar, you need his brother Cody Votolato (of Blood Brothers). You could also check out third Votolato brother/guitarist Sonny, but I have no idea what kind of music he makes.

5. Justice †: Yeah, the album title is just a cross (Maeby: across from where?). It continues the faux-christian theme with song titles like "Genesis," "Waters Of Nazareth," and "Let There Be Light." But really, this album is all about textures. If you've ever wondered how much of a difference production value and multi-track layering makes on an album, listen to this album and then go listen to any other club dance song. It's shocking to hear music that good that's made with the same silly synth bits that have been bandied around for decades in terrible rap beats and synth-pop anthems. It's like post-modern Thriller.

Video Killed The Internet Star

2007-08-15T11:30:00.000-07:00

So, as you can see below, I write stuff for blogcritics.org. It's been great, a lot more people have read my stuff and I can gauge my self-worth in digg stats.

But now I've been asked to make a video.

As some sort of collabo between BC and MyspaceTV, they're looking for BC folks to produce short segments of video. I guess I raised a few well-placed eyebrows because I received an email this morning from the music editor asking if I'd be interested in making a video of my "News From The Machine" shtick. I certainly am interested, but obviously there are some logistics things to work out (I don't have a camera, I don't have editing software, I'm not very videogenic). If anyone has any ideas or would like to help out, i'd love to hear from you.

Currently, my ideas don't stray far from the News from the Machine formula. But I assume that could change as I imagine video is probably more suited for branching out conceptually.

Also, I'd have to find out if I would have to make these videos Myspace-exclusive, since I'm not sure I like that idea. I don't want Rupert Murdoch having his claws in me more than he already does.

I Hate Us When We Hiatus

2007-08-13T10:20:00.000-07:00

My recent silence has been mainly because i'm poor and need to focus on other things (like where my next meal is coming from), but it's being broken like a motherfucker today. Here's my latest Blogcritics article and a Digg link for those of you who use Digg. Please comment and give me Diggs and click points and all the other goofy shit you can do to show appreciation at the bottom of the page.

News From The Machine: 50 Cent, Amy Winehouse, Pearl Jam, and More

All has not been well with the musical world! From flying cellphones to flagrant use of the "N word," the industry has been absolutely buzzing with tension. It ’s the kind of thing that makes execs want to curl up around a big pile of money and pay someone to cry for them.

http://digg.com/music/News_From_The_Machine_50_Cent_Amy_Winehouse_Pearl_Jam_and_More

I'm cooking up an overanalysis of a rap song, but I may put it on BC instead of here (they're getting defensive about re-published content being posted on their site). I'll let all y'all know. Here's a hint: I'm gonna overanalyze it like a rock star.

"They Choose The Path Where No One Goes."

2007-07-25T20:29:00.000-07:00

I tried to find more relevant lyrics within Led Zep's "No Quarter," but there were none. And by the way, "No Quarter" ranks among my top 3 Zep songs for sure. It's got that Zepped-off blues feel, but it's got a serious case of the wobbles. And I love wobbles. Plus the lyrics are creepy, so there's that.

I'm back in Long Beach, and hopefully now i'll be able to more effectively set up a sustainable living situation here. Because Sacto gets boring fast. (no offense sacto.)

First off, since I picked that title, i'm gonna wander off-topic on the following topics:

Lindsay Lohan: There's certainly no love in me for celebrity worship (unless it's worship of me), but I'm actually very bummed about the news of her arrest. Not because I think she was treated unfairly or that it's undeserved, it's just very sad to me that a person who seems to want so much from life is unable to fight off the demons she's accrued. It was fairly clear that she had made an honest effort to be rehabilitated, with that alcohol testing bracelet and everything, and it's hard to watch those efforts fail. I think most everyone has probably seen someone battle and lose to the destructive elements of themself, or even suffered that defeat personally. It's about as heartbreaking as life gets. Best of luck, Lindsay. Even if it means you'll keep making terrible films and albums and snagging headlines for every pound you gain or lose, I hope you can get sober.

Harry Potter: Today I got my hands on the audiobook version of Harry Potter 7: Harry goes to Manhattan (That was the seventh Jason movie, right?) and I'm pleased to report that I've semi-successfully avoided all spoilers thus far (while leafing through the online HP Lexicon to refresh my memory of book 6, I accidentally saw a death date listed for one semi-major character). I find this surprising since I have a great deal of acquaintances who are avid HP fans or avid ruiners of things. Remember Sixth Sense? my friend Jason ruined it as we were walking into the theater to watch it. I had HP6 ruined for me, and I was determined not to have this one ruined too. And since it's almost a week after the release, the statute of limitations on spoilers is quickly approaching. I mean, eventually it has to become okay to discuss explicitly that Soylent Green is indisputably people. Either way, i'm enjoying the book so far and I'm really digging all of the loose ends it's been leaving for future chapters to tie up.

Brick: I watched Brick the other day and I can't stop thinking about it. It had a beautiful mood, awesome characters, and really great progression. Why couldn't my high school experience have included a murder mystery? I loved the film noir aspects and the language especially, even though I don't know a whole hell of a lot about film noir or the origins of their slang. I wish there were more movies like it.

Marriage: My friends Mike and Shar are quickly approaching the point in which their dinner conversations will no longer become admissible evidence in court, and it's sort of surprising how much it's fascinated me. I've had cousins and acquaintances get married before and I never really thought much on it. But this actually feels like a significant event in my life, as opposed to simply an event in theirs. I didn't really know Mike before the engagement, and I met Shar afterwards, so really I've only known them together. But again, something about the legal and social Megazordification of the two has grabbed me by the brain. Also... i'm wondering if the "It's the thought that counts" rule counts for wedding presents. And if so, does "thought" have to be like matching knitted scarves, or can it be His-and-Hers Mix CDs? So many questions...

Since I'm here and i've got the comp to myself all night, i'll probably post a bit more later.

The Battle For Punk, Episode 23: The Posers Strike Back

2007-07-22T01:31:00.000-07:00

http://www.bigoldamp.com/home/2007/7/22/punk-is-not-dead.html

"Green Day, My Chemical Romance, Good Charlotte and Bad Religion are among the bands starring in the documentary, ‘Punk’s Not Dead’, which hits US theaters
this week.The movie is an excersice[sic] of the evolution of punk music featuring
tons of talks with important punk musicians as well as rare performance footage."

So the downfall of a genre is being challenged by its post-mortem excrement? The mere existence of My Chemical Romance is proof enough that punk is, without question, dead.

I had a brief chat with Beef (who's visiting these arid northlands with Erin) today about punk and its origins. We agreed that punk was originally a product of New York, and I asserted my belief that the first punks were the Velvet Underground. But no matter whether you place Punk's zenith at its NYC, UK, or LA era, you must concede that it died shortly thereafter. The 80's brought in the mainstream support, New Wave took over the look, and all the best punks went to prison, rehab, or hell. The emergence of Pop-punk bands allowed a brief glimpse at what had been, but it was fueled on the blissful ignorance that comes with a sheeplike devotion to whatever the radio is pushing. Sure, Blink-182 was kinda edgy when you think about it, but real punks would have had to push the nudity and swearing to a level that was actually unacceptable to their label execs, as opposed to the gimmicky levels they sported instead. And there's really no way for anyone to be a real punk today. There's no overwhelming cold war dread, no Vietnam, and wearing a facial piercing was a statement. You couldn't put a streak of pink in your hair without immediate ostracizing from normal society. Now, you can. It's lost all meaning. The only way to really push people's boundaries is to look gross, and even then the message is lost.

At this point, everything of Punk that remains is actually Pop-Punk. Which, for all intents and purposes, sucks.

Okay, there ARE still London-style punk bands, but they suck and just sound like canned versions of what used to be a pretty good thing. OR.. they're G.G. Allin, who also fucking sucked.

Point is, there's only one thing lamer than proclaiming the death of a genre (fuck you Nas), and that's denying the death of a genre. And then using Good Charlotte as your exemplar.

Triumphant rebirth of the Pernicious Pentacle

2007-07-19T23:41:00.000-07:00

But first, a plug:

News From The Machine: James Blunt, Paris Hilton, Nickelback & More...
All the latest in dollar-chasing, little-guy-squashing music. With jokes.

My second jaunt on the BC site is up. This time it's all new material. Be sure and whore out the appropriate clickables at the bottom (digg, reddit, etc.). It's not on digg yet but it should be sometime tomorrow. At that point I hope you'll all do me a favor and digg it. Last time I got 12 diggs, which was beautiful. I think we can do better though.

But enough about me, now it's time for...

MEAN THINGS ABOUT NICE PEOPLE III

1. Seether: File this under "Things that would never happen to Real Men." After being the butt of a Evanescence hit song ("Call Me When You're Sober") by no-talent hack Amy Lee, no-talent hack Shaun Morgan has stated that there will be no retort on his band Seether's new album. Somebody tear up his rock star club card. According to rockstar handbook p. 254-255, unflattering hit songs from previous love interests are to be dealt with in one or more of the following ways:

a) Release song which is derogatory and hurtful to such a childishly malicious
degree that no self-respecting soul would dare risk your wrath ever again.
b) Barricade self in castle stocked with sexy womanservants, Jack Daniels,
Oxycontin, and Mickey Rourke and wait it out in style.
c) Unleash unflattering and scandalous sex tape of aggressor on the internet.
d) Be seen with no less than 20 better-looking and/or more-talented women.
e) Ghost-write tell-all book and retire to smug hilltop vineyard compound.

Shaun, if you choose option A or E, here are some awesome title ideas which you have my permission to use: "There's A Very Simple And Superficial Reason That I Only Called You When I Wasn't Sober," "You Make Me Want To Not Be Sober," "Call Me When You're 40 And Desperately Alone."

2. Pete Wentz/Ashlee Simpson: I swear to Jesus, somebody tell me they read this as well, because I think I may have just dreamed it. Honestly, their pairing could not have worked out any better for me. Like Shia LeBeouf thrusting the world-destroying Allspark into the terrible Megatron's chest destroying both, this pairing has effectively removed both of these problematic individuals. Association with Superpuppet Simpson finally shakes the last remnants of cred off of Wentz, allowing me free reign to ruin him without reprisal from pop-punk nerds who refuse to let him go. And given her demonstrated inability to process complex actions, Ashlee's romantic involvement should prevent her from ever freeing up the requisite synapses to put together an album or show of any kind. Bring on the rumors! This funeral pyre needs fuel! Ahhh. Life is sweet.

3. Britney Spears: pulled a pretty sweet PR stunt where she applied to be a waitress. Now, some of you may think that this is actually a serious and drastic attempt to pull out of the public eye, but let's keep in mind who we're talking about here. Of all the crazy random shit that Spears has done over the years, there is but one constant: Attention. I had always assumed that if I kept ignoring her during her flirty Rolling Stone Cover days, she'd have to resort to showing some nudity, and I was totally right. Of course, like something from a vicious Wishmaster sequel, my wish ended up being twisted and used against me, but at least I got some satisfaction out of my nostradamus-like perception skills.

4. Jay-Z: He's settling a lawsuit with Diamond Dallas Page for using the "Diamond Cutter" hand gesture as the "Roc-A-Fella" hand gesture. Diamond Dallas Page is a noted professional wrestler whose side projects, including yoga promotions and self-help books, have earned him a collective gesturing of another sort by most of america. Since when, after all, does a pro wrestler settle any large dispute without the use of a cage match?

5. Bobby Brown: According to one of his alleged concubines, Osama bin Laden has a deep disdain for Bobby Brown for taking Whitney off the market. This disdain is so deep, in fact, that he has apparently tried to make attempts on Bobby's life. Listen, Osama, let's get a few things straight... First off, you can't kill Bobby. You'd be stiffing at least 3 bail bond companies out of serious bucks. Second, Don't kill the man over your hatred for his one smart decision, that'd be like impeaching Bush over immigration reform. And last, there's nothing you can do to Bobby Brown that's worse than what he would willingly inflict upon himself given the opportunity. Just send him a pound of crack and a box of bottle-rockets and Bobby will take care of Bobby.

(Note: I'm pleased to say I repeated no jokes with my BC Article in this post. Consider these your bonus for taking the time to read my blog. Thanks again.)

You Should Watch.

2007-07-19T14:22:00.000-07:00

A bit of a departure here. But i'm hoping to soon have another BC.org link up so this is just to tide y'all over for now. By the way, the last one got 12 diggs, which is pretty cool for me. Hopefully my caustic blend of wit and hatred will prove popular. Anyways, a brief story:

So the other night while I was assembling my OKC retrospective, I was also chatting with my friend Gina. She, by her own words, never got into Radiohead, which I immediately took as a personal challenge. When I described the "Karma Police" video to her, she responded with a rather surprising comment. "Oh, so it's like that UNKLE video? I think it's called "Rabbit in the headlights?" It was actually called "Rabbit in Your Headlights," but the strange part is that Radiohead's Thom Yorke sings that song as a guest appearance with UNKLE. And the video is oddly reminiscent of Karma Police.

It's a really amazing song and a really amazing video, and I think you should all watch it. It's got a very storylike pull to it, and the ending is just amazing. I don't want to ruin anything, so just watch it because it's totally worth the 5 minutes.

OK Computer turns 10

2007-07-15T00:27:00.000-07:00

I was shocked to find out that my favorite album ever, Radiohead's OK Computer, has now hit the double-digits in age since it's original release. The album, which opened up a huge can of creativity-worms for me, still stands as a triumph of cohesive recording and multi-faceted beauty. So let's take a look at it, track by track:

1. Airbag: "In the next world war... In a jack-knifed juggernaut... I am born again." How perfect are these opening lines? It totally sets the theme and tone of the album, it just drips with mystery, and it's a perfect haiku. And the way Thom sings it, equal parts death cry and lounge croon, is just chilling. The distorted drums and multi-layered guitar parts are both great, but it's the cloak-and-dagger basstrickery that really drives this one into the stratosphere. And you can't not love the everpresent sleigh bells.

2. Paranoid Android: This is my favorite song ever. I'll just say that right now. Favorite Song Ever. I know of no other song which has better captured the duality of a tortured psyche, feeling powerful but uniquely vulnerable, cursing the world and yet wishing for redemption. And even the more nonsensical parts are just wondrously executed. The guitar work is playfully dark, and the splashy percussion feels like human whispers. There's a lot of great repetition and call/response between Thom and the guitars, and the hushed yelling ya ya ya's are maddeningly awesome. And the final lines destroy me every time. "That's it sir, you're leaving. The crackle of pig skin, the dust and the screaming, The yuppies networking... the panic, the vomit, the panic, the vomit. God loves his children, God loves his children, yeah..."

3. Subterranean Homesick Alien: If I ever have kids, this will be my lullabye for them. Thom Yorke has a way of affecting disaffection that is rarely if ever emulated. It's without agenda or rage or bitterness. He's just outside of everything. Instead of wasting time with suicide threats per usual angst-y band rhetoric, Thom wishes that he could be abducted by aliens who could show him the world. And rather than say that he's bored by life or feeling depressed (other tired sad-rock staples), Thom keeps "forgetting the smell of the warm summer air." His wit is astonishing sometimes.

4. Exit Music (For A Film): I had the distinct pleasure of playing this song with my friend Wayne on a few occasions. It was originally written for the Romeo + Juliet soundtrack, as Yorke's take on the star-crossed lovers. And even though it's from the lovers' perspective, it is markedly NOT about love. It's about struggle and resentment and fighting to hold on against a world that doesn't accept your way of life. And the nadir of it comes at the end, with a distinctly fragile voice wails "We hope... that you choke... that you choke" over and over again.

5. Let Down: Probably the most straightforward song on the album, Let Down has a series of guitar-pick melodies which hold it together underneath Yorke's musings about insects, hysteria, and chemicals. "One day, I am gonna grow wings, a chemical reaction. Hysterical and useless, hysterical and..."

6. Karma Police: Probably one of the few songs to ever specifically use the word "Phew," but goddamn they use it well. A very immersive (if brief) foray into the mind of a misanthropic paranoiac struggling to function in an abrasive world. And then of course, there's the music video; a fascinating conundrum involving a disappearing Thom Yorke, and a torturous chase involving a Tom Sizemore lookalike and a malicious car being driven by YOU the viewer!

7. Fitter Happier: I've always wanted to memorize this song. There's something so strange about these words coming from a computer voice. I heard that originally Thom was going to read them, but they got a hold of some digital voice software and thought it sounded better. And it really does. There's just something so futuristically quaint about that processed voice saying such phrases as "still cries at a good film, still kisses with saliva" and the summation line "A Pig. In a Cage. On Antibiotics."

8. Electioneering: I don't even want to tell you how much time I spent dancing around in my room to this song. It has such a distinctly primal sneer. And even though I wasn't keen enough to pick up the political commentary at the time, I've grown to appreciate the rather forward approach and otherwise obscure intentions of it. "I go forwards, you go backwards, and somewhere we will meet."

9. Climbing Up The Walls: It's impossible to listen to this song and not feel alone. This is a song about trying to connect with someone who's impossible to connect with. And of course, it's also about all of the emotions that come from that. Everything about it screams danger and yet again Thom's soaringly pleading vocals add a counterbalance of security. Sort of. I'm not afraid of the dark, but I AM afraid of this song in the dark.

10. No Surprises: Such a beautifully subdued song. And it's probably about suicide. "I'll take the quiet life, a handshake of carbon monoxide." All the while Xylophones ping-pong across scales and Johnny Greenwood makes his guitar sound like morning songbirds. But again, those lyrics: "A heart that's full up like a landfill, a job that slowly kills you, bruises that won't heal."

11. Lucky: I love when the sound of a song differs from the lyrical content. This song has such a ponderous and low sound and then Thom comes in singing about all sorts of irrational emotions and vacillating between love and sorrow almost in the same breath. I've heard that the band considered this one of their best songs. I totally understand that. It starts off with some really weird over-pedaled Ed madness, and then immediately jumps into some softer guitar lines underneath those haunting words. "Kill me Sarah, kill me again with love. It's gonna be a glorious day." This is Radiohead doing happy. Which is sort of like a wolf doing sheepish.

12. The Tourist: Definitely a "Last song on the album" song. The vocals take a backseat to the guitar, and none of it all makes much sense. The song is, essentially, a call to not take for granted the beauty that's all around us. To not be a tourist running from point A to point B and never noticing everything in between. And just as pleasantly as it all began, so the album ends. Unless you're like me, at which point you probably take it back to track 1 and let it go again.

If you're interested in hearing some pretty good covers of the album, check out

www.stereogum.com/okx

I really can't express how much this album has done for me. I owe Radiohead a deep debt of gratitude.

I dun' told you.

2007-07-13T10:19:00.000-07:00

http://blogcritics.org/archives/2007/07/13/091028.php

Okay, it's not exactly new. Some of my jokes are retreads but I tried to make sure I added some extra zing for everyone who's already read the jokes here.

Enjeezzy y'all.

How do I live without you?

2007-07-11T00:04:00.000-07:00

Somehow I pep-talked myself out of my recent emotional slump and emailed the blogcritics guy. I'm saving my writing energies for my first post to the blogcritics site, so my next post will just be a URL.

This is 10 fingers crossed into one hideous gnarled lean-to of cracking flesh and wrenched bone.

I should've just been a fisherman:

Do Or Die for this blog

2007-07-09T16:38:00.000-07:00

So I got a message today from Blogcritics that they'd like to add me to their fold of bloggers. This would mean I'd have to end my hiatus immediately and blog more than ever before. Meanwhile, nobody i've asked for help in LA has returned with any news (or even returned my messages), and Sacramento is looking more and more permanent. So I either have to continue pulling this shit together in hopes that this will finally be the stupid thing I put up with that actually pays off, or simply say 'fuck all' and put this stupid fucking pipe-dream to rest. I have until the end of the day it seems.

This turned into a whole mess of mean things that I had to say about a lot of things, but I don't really feel like venting any of it so i've omitted it all. Let's just say i've learned a few new things about trust, and I hope things are going better for everyone reading this.

I'll post my decision late tonight.

Stop, Hiatus-time!

2007-07-08T22:44:00.000-07:00

I know I'm supposed to put up my usual overanalysis, but instead of decided to put this blog on hiatus for now. My downward slide continues, and I don't have the time or the patience to put up with this right now. I simply have too many problems and too many people reminding me of those problems to give this blog the attention that it requires. Thanks to everyone who's been reading and commenting. It means a lot to me.

Ugh. Send good thoughts. I need them.