Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Back from the Gator Pit

Yes, I was attacked by gators. They got two toes and, more importantly, they stole my sense of security. My well-being took a serious hit, but i'm ready to blog again. Call it my small victory.
So I figured i'd just warm back up with a series of personal insults directed at musical figures; a ferocious five if you will. This one's pop-themed, since i'm still getting my groove back and pop is a damn easy target. Here goes nothin':

1. Fall Out Boy: I feel like I should point out that I have never been wrong about Fall Out Boy. That said, I can announce that their new album will sound like goats melting and everyone's little sister is going to masturbate to it. Except for MY little sister, who's been forcibly programmed to have good musical taste and also has no sexuality to speak of. none. end of story.


2. Heidi Montag: I don't know who the fuck this person is, but they should know that being a celebrity will never give you artistic credibility. For a list of other things that will not give you artistic credibility, listen to Heidi's single "Overdosin'". Scratch that, just read that title over and over again for three minutes; it'll be less repetitive, less depressingly mediocre, and a lot less headache-inducing.


3. Avril Lavigne: I know I pick on her alot, so I'll just let the news speak for itself. After the Malaysian government originally cancelled Avril's performance there due to pressure from Islamic traditionalists who felt she had a corruptive, sexy image, they have now reversed that decision. That's right, the ruling body of Malaysia has declared Avril Lavigne not sexy. (Aw Snap!)

4. The Jonas Brothers: I have no idea who these guys are but a cursory glance at their wikipedia page reveals that I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THEM. Rule #1: If you wear a promise ring, you are not playing rock music. Rule #2: If you abstain from something and play rock music, you must tattoo your philosophy onto your body. I don't care if you're just allergic to penicillin, you better get it inked. That means you, diabetic Jonas Brother. Oh, and "staying pure until marriage" doesn't mean much when you're a media whore. Just ask Mandy Moore.

5. The Pussycat Dolls: Have just lost Kermit the Frog. Oh, wait, no.. that says Carmit. It must be, hold on there's a photo here. Nope, looks like a frog puppet to me. Lots of makeup though.