Friday, June 22, 2007

The Return Of Mean Things About Nice People!

It's friday, and that means derogative barbs. Check yo'self.

1. Green Day: They pulled the Triple Deke of music! They took the inarguably shallow genre of Pop-Punk, Then deepened it with some christ references (Deke!), then shallowed it back up with some 9th grade-level political commentary (Deke!), then deepened it with some faux-concept rock-opera crap(Deke!), then drove that shit home with an ultimately stupid record! Guys, seriously, we loved you more when you just sang about masturbation without actually send your unsavory s to the record stores.


2. Chris Cornell: I'm not sure if I should be surprised that one of the most recognizable and unique voices in Rock music is attached to one of its most unique douchebags. After being in essentially every Grunge supergroup ever formed, he's moved on to the requisitely ignorable solo career. I understand Chris. You just wanted someone to call you "super" one last time.


3. Scott Weiland: If you were forever known as the poor man's Chris Cornell, you'd do a lot of drugs too. Somehow Scott managed to wrangle a spot in Supergroup Velvet Revolver before Chris could, and I imagine Slash & the gang were just as surprised when they realized their mistake. "Fuck, man, I thought YOU were the one who sang 'Spoonman.' That song was fucking killer. Stone Temple what? No man, doesn't sound familiar. I mean, i'm sure it was great, I just can't remember anything by them..."


4. Oasis: Every time I listen to Definitely Maybe or (What's The Story) Morning Glory? It's like I've jumped in a teleporter to the 90's. And by that I mean I feel like i've been involved in a freak accident where I had my genes spliced with an anglophilic prick that had been lounging ironically in the other teleport pad.


5. The Smiths: A lot of bands make great music when their band dynamic is hateful and vindictive. Oasis' Gallagher Brothers fucking hate each other; Fleetwood Mac was a fucking soap opera during all their best albums; and you can tell that the whole time they were a duo, Daryl Hall just wanted to put a screwdriver through John Oates' hand. But it's a rare thing when a band's intense loathing of each other is topped only by their intense loathing of themselves. Or as Morrissey would say, "I've never heard of a Smith."

1 comment:

Faaip said...

HOW DARE YOU SMITE WIELEND YOU PHILISTINE