Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Fuck You, Dustin Glick of Cracked.com

I was almost made a fan of Cracked.com last night. They had funny music lists and observations, very reminiscent of myself. And we all know how much I love myself (especially the people at Jergen's). The only list I took offense to was their "5 Most Unintentionally funny albums of 2006."

First off, the list it from 1-5. So I can't tell whether the last one I read was the funniest, being #5, or if #1 is funniest. You can't just blow your Uno wad on the first page, you gotta tease that out.

Now, #4 was the Belle & Sebastian album. Making fun of Belle & Sebastian seems wrong on the same level that pestering rabbits is. And they made fun of them for being pussies. That's like kicking a rabbit because you take offense to its football-like qualities.

#3 was Jibbs Feat. Jibbs by Jibbs. It has a very Requiem for a Dream quality doesn't it? Anyways, i'm saving my venom here since "Chain Hang Low" seems like perfect Overanalysis fodder.

#2 was Mars Volta, a band I would have defended with violence and passion 4 years ago but now cannot muster much to defend their recent release, Amputechture. Taking cues from the Volta, the writer chose not to find new or interesting ways to assault the material, choosing instead to overexaggerate the length of their "epics of squealing bullshit," and once again trot out the idea that the Volta fan base is 15-years-old and on drugs. Yikes.

#1 was the My Chemical Romance concept clusterfuck The Black Parade, which overwhelmingly whupped Green Day for the title of Most Phoned-in "Concept" Ever. "Okay guys, we've got like a parade, but it's like a death march. Cause this guy dies... of cancer. Yeah, cancer. OOH! OOH! And WE'LL be the Parade Band!!"

I'd say these were all generally agreeable picks. However, #5, Dragonforce's Inhuman Rampage, pissed me off. I don't have a whole lot of love for Metal bands. In fact, I wish Great White-esque pyrotechnic accidents on most of them. But Dragonforce is different, simply because of their complete dedication to the Metal paradigm. The vocals are about fire, pain, dragons, and battle. The guitars are ludicrously fast and feature dueling guitar solos. The drums are even faster, with the added bonus of choked cymbals serving as punctuation throughout most of the song. And, in true VH style, there's a keyboard. And get this: it's fast. This is like Journey on the perfect cocktail of speedballs and Troll-testosterone. You can either enjoy it or not enjoy it, but it's pretty much unassailable beyond "Hahaha. They play really, really metal music."

P.S. Watch this video and just imagine how much conditioner these guys go through. That hair has some serious body.

2 comments:

Faaip said...

ugh the my chemical romance album was such a whopping piece of shit. that parade song was catchy for about three days then it just got annoying. then i saw the video and wanted to maim my sexual organs, which is what i'm doing, right now.

Dr. Joe Bananas III, Esquire said...

Dude, waaawaaawaaa- SHUT UP, you're fucking lame. Dragon Force is a joke, Belle & Sebastian sucks (and kicking rabbits is a great fucking idea), Jibbs is a cheap rip-off, and Mars Volta is high-pitched sissy shit. Go listen to your My Chemical Romance cd and jerk off to pictures of the band members you tired-looking homo, scenester hand-banging GEEK.